Analogise That!

I'm not necessarily officially stopping this blog but...

2010-10-20T00:14:00.000+01:00

... I went got me a new one. Check out 'Communikate' for the whys and wherefores. It's been about a little while but I figure having more than two readers might encourage me to write a bit more. I'm not going to lie to you, there's not much quality there right now - I'm kinda out of flow an all. But I have got some dreams about what it could be so watch this space, if you like.

Sorry there's no clever/ridiculous/tenuous analogy to introduce it. I just can't be arsed (hence it being time for a new blog).

I still massively believe in the metaphor mind. More so than ever perhaps. Life just got interesting in other ways recently and I thought I'd explore that for a time.

Over and out.

X

I miss you

2010-04-08T21:37:00.000+01:00

I miss blogging. I miss everything. I miss finishing something I have started writing; capturing a thought and turning it into something complete; sitting down with a nice cuppa tea and not having a nagging "to do" in the back of my mind. I miss rest and I miss activity that is productive - how can a person be so busy and not be at all effective? Or at least, not effective in the things she puts most of her energy into.

I know well that the Christian call is not one to be a "doer" of life. That's because we don't need to work at being saved, because it isn't possible so God, who is gracious, made a way through Jesus (link)!! It's also because life isn't a hobby, action or event - it's a state. It is the context within which other things happen - jobs, relationships, children, ministry, creativity etc etc etc - and it's quality shouldn't be determined by the "stuff" it contains; rather, the quality of what it contains is determined by the atmosphere around it.

So I quit my job...

I miss them too. In a way. I miss the dear sweet (pain in the arse) children, and the fight for progress. I miss the office banter and I even miss the people I didn't see eye to eye with.

Mostly though, I miss me.

I suppose if one's character is constantly changing, being redefined by what you do and experience, then all too easily we can become strangers to ourselves if we rapidly change tack. This isn't always a bad thing but when it is the potential damage is high. I'm glad I've realised now but I still feel a little farther from home that I would like. But then perhaps this is my Dorothy moment : somewhere over the rainbow...

I also miss what goes missing when you don't have opportunity to be. To be yourself, to be with God, to listen to the world around and hear what it is telling you through the most ridiculous and sublime media. No wonder I don't have an analogy to share today... I've been so busy I missed it.

False prophets

2010-03-13T13:31:00.000Z

I know I know I know, I have not been At All around. I'm sorry. You think you're hard-done-by? Try being one of my actual real-life friends that I am neglecting.

That is a whole other story though.

Remember my Cat of Redemption (link)? Dang it, it really would help to have a picture. Mum, Dad, C, Rich - if you are out there anywhere could you email me a pic of Tilly and Abby together please? It is high time I illustrated this point.

Anywho. CofR (aka Tilly) is an all-black cat and Abby is black and white with the white being mostly on her belly. One time a dear friend of mine Miss Love came over and she met Tilly... she then saw Abby on a chair later and said oh there's The Cat of Redemption again. Ehr Ehr! (quiz show fail noise). From that moment onwards Abs has had the rather unfortunate name of "The Cat of False Prophecy". (Kitty the fluffy tabby feels rather left out.)

It is SO easy to take a fabulous analogy - like, I don't know, a pertinent song or a car - and think it means something. A friend of mine did that once. She fancied a boy who had her dream car: it was in her favourite colour and the make had brilliant adverts. That, coupled with a memorable moment of eye contact and a shared taste in music, had her smitten. Perhaps you might want to say smote as it wasn't really a good thing.

We were in my car the other week behind the very same model of car and it prompted a memory; and a revelation. The boy thing never worked out and the car (and song) were always a bit of a frustration for her - why did it even have to be like that? Why fall at all, with such small but darling details to now have to let go of?? My thought was that perhaps God sometimes let people see small "signs", from which they inevitably infer big wrong things, because working through all of the resentment and pain the lesson comes out that people are, in fact, emotional and pattern forming creatures who often see what they want to see.

This might not sound very hopeful from a blog that seeks to find something in everything! However, it is important if one is seeking out the truth and not a projected ideal. Care must be taken when looking for answers; if not, when the lights come on and you realise it was just a fiction, hearts can get hardened rather than wisdom increased.

So the false prophecy was actually a real analogy! Everything is significant, just not always in the way we expect or want it to be. I think Abby probably feels a lot better about her name now. I know my friend finds it easier to let go... Having a purpose to pain always helps, I find.

Still here... and still hoping...

2010-01-08T17:09:00.006Z

Blimey, I haven't been blogging much at all. Talk about being a changed woman. I have plenty of excuses to make and a great long list of things I'd like to say that I don't have time for but let's cut the crap.

Firstly: Happy Christmas! I hope that you all get the analogy of giving presents - that Jesus came to earth as a gift for all of mankind and that is why we celebrate on the 25th December! You didn't? More's the pity.

Second: Happy New Year! Did you realise (I didn't) that this isn't actually a new decade, since the first year A.D. wasn't actually 0 but rather 1, ergo this is the last year in the 201st decade since Jesus was given to mankind. Bit of a dampener isn't it? Still, Radio 1's list of the UK's top 100 purchases of the decade (link) was kinda interesting. Interesting and WRONG - in the top 10 HALF of them were winning tracks from television programmes such as Pop Idol and X-Factor :-O Analogise That! for what it says about British culture. I am disappointed in us all.

Though, to stay on topic for a moment, analogise the way facebook managed to get 'Rage Against the Machine' to Christmas number 1(link). Is it power to the people and a sign of the potential for world alteration through the unity of "insignificant" people? Lol. I particularly love the way that the runner up's X-Factor song 'The Climb' has the lyrics:

Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

True dat.
The thing is, I'm not actually taking the piss. I even bought that track 'cause I'm all about the uphill battle and am well aware that though "my faith is shaking I gotta keep trying". Ridiculous? Or sublime? (I know my metaphor swapped sides halfway through - deal with it!)

In other news, all over England we have beautiful prophetic weather. I wrote a song about it last Feb, when we first got - to quote the Mayor of London - "the wrong kind of snow". It's called 'Snow Hope' and a bit of it goes like this:

S’a tiny flake of hope as I sit and wait
For the day that the weather will break
and a little piece of heaven will cover my world

One on it’s own the world would melt
Oh so fragile they can barely be felt
Yet they can halt life’s daily machine
You know it looks quite different when it all looks clean
Pause a while take stock and smile...

The way I see it, this country is basically brought to a stand-still when something bigger than them takes over. Getting in everyone's way because, actually, the world doesn't revolve about them and their way isn't The Way.

It's clearly an image of grace (being made clean) but I am particularly excited by how it's when all the flakes get together that they have a massive force. So strong that "the world" can't cope and they can't ignore or deny it either. People are gonna have to change, and fast, to deal with this outpouring. Each flake totally unique, beautiful and pure... with potential to make a HUOUGE difference.

Are we going to make that difference this year? I ruddy bloody hope so. I think we all need to be stopped in out tracks, before we drive off some proverbial cliff...

Hmmmm. I have enjoyed writing again, it's been far too long. Been expending lots of my words in other arenas you see... another time perhaps I'll share but until then: change the world. OK?

"What we need are more people who specialise in the impossible." - Theodore Roethke

P.S. But can they do it again? http://www.facebook.com/#/group.php?gid=212018962226 http://www.facebook.com/#/group.php?gid=212018962226

Insight into humanity

2009-12-14T22:49:00.007Z

What I would call a Very Telling found poem, that I read on Verbatim (link) (which I've told you about enough already).

I want to

I want to die.

I want to break free lyrics. I want

to be anorexic.

I want to break free.
I want to be skinny; I want

to be a model.

I want to be thin.
I want to lose weight; I want

to know what love is

lyrics. I want

to get pregnant.

Google searches speaking of people searches, much? What is this world a-coming to.

The beginning of the end

2009-12-02T23:54:00.003Z

What with it being the start of December I am tempted to say: "what happened to the last 6 months?" The first half went crazy slow but since about mid-June it has whizzed by in a blur. Not a particularly nice blur but I suppose if it's hard you want it to hurry out of the way. However, I will do no 'reviewing the year' until the actual end.

I started this post yesterday and filled it up with loads of babble and excuses about things I wasn’t going to say. Then I found a point and decided that, in my new incarnation as Editor, I would cut the crap and deliver.

It started when I put on my ipod – to block out the sound of inane Starbucks babble – and 'All good things come to an end'(link) by Nelly Furtado came on.

This year, with all its horror that I praise God for (sometimes joyfully, sometimes begrudgingly, sometimes blatantly failingly) I still see Good things (and by Good I mean the kind that I can appreciate as good and not just take on faith) that have happened. And lots of those have come, or are coming, to an end. I suppose friendship and community and what my life in Bristol is about are all obvious examples. I’m writing in Starbucks Borders - my city centre living room/office with so much history and familiarity - and it is closing in as little as 2 weeks. One less piece of contact with the world as I knew it. So much ending. I have been in semi-stasis these past couple of months but actually a lot is now properly finishing. For good. Finito. Or at least, I am at last noticing it clearly.

I find myself asking all sorts of question, for example: what is the fate of this blog when I spend most of my new life writing other things; when I have an aspiration to pursue actual “careers”; when I get bored and restless 'cause I have a terrible attention span and can be quite fickle with where I give my heart to? I'm not saying I’m quitting again, just thinking out loud.

But as I started 'Analogise That!' with a post about life from death(link), then very soon saw a whole lot of death - both the negativity of "death" in circumstances and the real deal - I have come to see that endings really are a part of life. But not the end of life, because all the good that comes as a result is real and apparent and full of redemption. Like my ‘Cat of Redemption’(link), who has gone from hiding out on our neighbour's shed roof to being the most affectionate darling creature ever.

[Aside: I learned a new word – ‘Bathos’ – and it means the ‘unintentional lapse in mood from the sublime to the trivial or ridiculous’. It is just me or is this blog sometimes a bit like that? Not that I think it matters. In fact, I kinda think that’s the point…]

I fully don't know what is coming next today, this month, in 2010 and beyond... but I know that for all the things that finish there will be something of life that springs from it; something bigger and better. Which does remind me of this thing Jesus said once:

"I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat is planted in the soil and dies, it remains alone. But its death will produce many new kernels—a plentiful harvest of new lives." John 12:24 (NLT)

Plus, if you believe his death leads to our redemption, it is an even greater (nay greatest) example of the idea that every time something dies, something better comes along and the world ends up being better overall; ever-increasing in glory.

‘The good being the enemy of the best’ is a philosophy I hold strongly to. It has to be when I have so many choices available to me. One thing I've learned this year is that I can cope with the Goods dying if the Best is the end result.

So I suppose these changes, this ending and even the despair that 2009 contained can all be chalked up to a plentiful harvest of new life. That's a faith thing. But a true thing as well... says Kat(i)e in her latest incarnation...

Stranger Danger

2009-11-06T23:52:00.006Z

Some people say that strangers are just friends you haven't met yet.

Most of my friends are strangers I only just met.

2.5 years ago my life got flipped turned upside-down and I'd like to take a minute just sitting right here and tell you how it happened... but I don't have time.

In that quarter decade I never have.

And though there have been moments where this is a symptom of over-working I don't think it is the main reason. Almost everything I do just feels so "right" and the things that aren't are difficult to spot but I'm working on it. I am living an amazing existence: my job has exciting potential to make a real difference, and open some major doors; I've started a "subversive" Christian newspaper that 2 weeks ago didn't exist but will (prayers said) be printed in 3 weeks - counter to all possibility. I'm coping quite well at the moment, having gotten past some massive internal struggles, and am seeing incredible occurrences on a daily basis. Church is flippin' fantastic and by golly I'm even starting to believe once more that good stuff can, nay will, happen.

But I haven't slept in the same bed continuously for as long as 2 weeks since I was in Russia this July.
And I don't know if I will until I go back.
Which is probably in 2 years time.
And it is foolish to plan that far ahead anyway.
Yet I've still got to at least try to learn the language, just in case...

I was hanging out with my equally busy, work-consumed missionary friend tonight for about 20 mins. We vowed (though accidentally broke it several times) to not talk about work. Here was our conversation:

Him: So, what sort of animal would you get?
Me: Well I was planning on "borrowing" one of my parents' cats but I'm too busy with...
[Pause]
Me: What's your favourite colour? Red?
Him: How did you know?
Me: Well, it's your car. But then you didn't choose that did you, you just had to get what you were given 'cause you're a poor missio...
[Pause, where we insulted Luke for talking geekily about Dr Who, before realising that he did, at least, have a hobby]
Me: Errrrr... what's your favourite reptile?
Him:

End of conversation.

I feel like I have no time for friends. I have nothing to talk about with friends apart from "business". The people I do know are all so relatively new and life keeps moving on so fast that sometimes I sit in the same room as them and feel like a stranger in my own life. Am I a friend I haven't met yet?

Sometimes I wish there was someone there to be my stability in this place of huge change. To know about the different parts of my life and be able to feel my pain and get me, even when I don't. Someone that doesn't feel strange. How is this even possible? Just supposing I had the time right now for a "significant other" to come along - which I don't - that level of closeness would still take ages to develop.

Then I remember this poem (that Nathan (link) posted on his blog a little while ago and gives a little bit of the info for it here (link)) and I think that maybe things will all be OK...

Abigail Burdess – All Kinds of Trouble

I’m in all kinds of trouble now,

The kind where you wake up on a train

And everything, everything’s strange

And where am I? And when did the season change?

I must have been asleep.

I’m sure I must be late.

I’m in all kinds of danger.

The stranger on the platform is not a proper stranger.

“You’re here with me,” he says, “isn’t it great?”

And he’s right.

The kind where there’s too much meaning on the edges of sight

Because he might be there.

The kind where you randomly weep.

I’m in deep, deep hot water.

In a boiling hot geyser

In the mists

In the midst

Of ridiculous Icelandic snow.

Y’know,

You should give up the fags and eat fruit,

Because life should last longer, this life should last longer

If someone like him exists.

Everybody. Lock away the razors and save your lovely wrists:

Someone like him exists.

I’m in every single kind of trouble now

The kind where a kind man could write himself a significant part.

I’m in very grave danger

Of a change of heart.

Patent Declaration of Hope on the Driveway

2009-10-21T19:57:00.002+01:00

I got my car bashed into last week. Was a bit of a pain as it is technically undriveable now, though thankfully no-one was hurt and they accepted full responsibility. I opted to get the coach back to Bristol and make-do without, but when I found out it was going to take 2 weeks from now to get fixed I decided to take them up on the free courtesy car that I was entitled to. I was lead to believe it would be some kind of Clio - which would be fine but not my first choice.

Now today, back in London, I have been at an all-day staff meeting that really reminded me just how dire the situation with our nations youth is. How much needs doing, how very impossible a solution is without God and that even with Him there is a long and difficult road ahead. It wasn't a bad meeting but I was well aware of the challenge and, getting the train to my parents house where I would collect the rental car and spend the night, I felt more than a little overwhelmed. My faith is not that high right now, my hope fluctuates. Perseverance is important but it doesn't automatically change how I feel.

My (dear) father then (very kindly) picked me up from the station and as we drove home I asked about the car. What colour is it? Black he replies. What make? A Honda.

HONDA!

I love Hondas! :-D

Why? Because they make the Best Adverts Ever.

I found myself singing the theme tune "hate something, change something, hate something change something make something better" this summer because it sounded a little bit like the Sellotape of Love song I was obsessed with a coupla months back. It reminded me of my love for these cars (it's all about the effective marketing!) and I had privately wanted one as my temporary ride but didn't even voice the desire because I knew I had no choice and it would have been a very unlikely option.

So without further ado, some of the Best Adverts Ever are to follow, and you will see just how prophetic they are and how encouraged I have been in my hour of feeling overwhelmed by the shit world.

When you see something you hate, the passion can be turned to good use:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VwRCBHhyrAA&feature=related
(Check out the rainbows!)

We have to dream the impossible dream though:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_kE7x8DV4TE&NR=1&feature=fvwp
Note the way the modus operandum changes on the journey... always providing what is required for the terrain.

Remember, it's actually a lot of fun... but needs to be done as a united TEAM:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pX68etceWNE&feature=related

The coordination and precision has got to be spot on. Impossibly perfect in fact, unless they are carefully laid out by a Very Good orchestrator:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g2VCfOC69jc&feature=related

When it comes down to it. What's the point in a dream that you don't see come true?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jH8U40jKNAI&feature=related

Dream on! Even when hope is low.

A pertinent verse for me of late has been this:

"I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

Have some of that...

Not so cynical

2009-10-14T18:32:00.006+01:00

I was a bit grumpy last time wasn't I?! I'm thinking about/trying not to be so cynical. There is a subtle difference between "keeping it real" and "being a miserable cow" that can't really be identified analytically but most people can sense (like trying to measure body heat with clos when you can just ask if they're comfy). I sense that I was being my "other me" then.

This "other me" thing is what I'm gonna write about tonight. I don't really have the time to craft a perfect blog post but I've really missed writing and have got about half an hour to spare this evening before I travel across London (where I work) and get a late night bus back to Bristol (where I live). So you get a bit of what I've been thinking about with no attempted at precision or clarity.

'A job?' I hear you say. I do believe I haven't mentioned it but one of the reasons I don't write much at the moment is that I started working! I know, someone gave me a job?!? It isn't as drastic as traveling 6 hours everyday but I am still based in Brizzle whilst coordinating the education programme for a charity in London. We work to try and change the circumstances of young Afro-Caribbean boys from a deprived borough in the east, who are identified at being at risk of social exclusion. They show "leadership potential" just not in very constructive ways... IT'S HARD. It's heart-wrenching too.

I'm not so crass as to say 'They got it so bad it makes me rethink'. We can all be "justifiably" (well, by some definitions) cynical about stuff in our lives. The main thing I am thinking about is how we have these two sides: the one-that-wants-to-do-well and the one-that-wants-to-fuck-the-other-one-up. Here in this place I have met perfect examples of those who know what is best and are desperate to succeed, yet still repeatedly interact with the world in destructive ways - sometimes moments after they express willingness and longing. Wow, Romans: 7 21-24 never was more real to me:

I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death?

I mean, don't get me wrong I see it in my own heart all the time but to witness it in action with things that might be "obvious" or "easy" really rams that home. I was talking to them today about the "other side" of human nature and I tells you what, dese youts really get it a lot better than some of the more educated people I know. They've experienced that hold on them... they understand how they have the responsibility to choose the right path, because they've struggled so hard to stay on it.

I see the little ones, some of whom haven't learned the difference between right and wrong. If anyone comes in with any post-modern bullshit that says there is only convention I'd be tempted to punch them - when it comes down to it they need deep rooted, real morality. How long will these boys last not discipline or loved? How can society cope having taken such little responsibility for their young? All of their young. Collectively.

But I can't be so cynical even here, where the dark-side of humanity is so evident (and I don't mean in the kids... or in their skin colour!). They're just so darn cute. Today several of the primaries asked me if I was wearing a wig - I never realised straightening my hair makes that much difference! There is such a light alternative, a bright loving vibrancy that kids personify so well when they want to. It's the stereotype that, to them, the world is black and white. I think perhaps they may have a point... we just mess it up as we get older by compromising our characters and allow the grey of corruption to be the norm.

I will write at further length about this whole "two-sided heart" thing I reckon, 'cause I've been so struck by it myself in recent months. It feels like the message of the moment...

The night is almost gone; the day of salvation will soon be here. So remove your dark deeds like dirty clothes, and put on the shining armour of right living.

That's what Miss Love and I read this morning. I wonder how many clos the shining armour of right living measures...?

The question of 'How?' still hangs around though. How can we not be shit? How can I lose the cynicism and keep a hold of that uncompromised shiny suit vision? I will write more... got a bus to catch...

Refresher

2009-10-02T23:19:00.002+01:00

I went to freshers' fair today in Bristol. I am sort of vaguely, semi-intentionally, not yet fully decidedly how, doing some kind of student ministry this year. That could look like just about anything and I also have a part time job in London (did I mention?) that I've been doing for about a month thus far, so fitting it all in is a bit fun. But it does feel right, so long as I do it how God says to. Which, by the way, is a big 'if'.

Anyway. I went to see what was going on and to look for a feminist society - which I found and joined - 'cause I am kinda keen on female identity issues and thought they would be interesting to get to know. A few other things too, including the Russian Society - 'cause I am learning to speak that, and the Afro-Caribbean society - 'cause I want to learn to dance properly. I can say that 'cause I work with black people so I'm down wid it. It's not racism, it's International Banter.

I hate freshers' fair. It's like life. Far too busy; can't work out where lots of the stuff is that you wanna do and even if you know where they are, getting to them - through the crowds and broken/switched off lifts and general distractions and blockages - is bloody tough; too much choice and fun looking things that you know you don't have time for; necessary to engage with to get connected and make the most of the opportunity you've been presented with but still a lot of effort and doesn't really feel worth it at the time.

Yes. That is today's analogy. I wish I could stay in bed and watch box-sets every day but it turns out there is a lot going on. I'm trying to slow down - I don't want to burn out before I've even completed my recovery from last time.

Perhaps as I begin the rest of my life, like with actual university, I'll get to repeat my first year. Then take a break part way... scrape through to the end with an ok but not very good result... and curl up in a ball and die, wishing I'd made wiser choices with how to get the most out of my time there.

That doesn't actually sound like much fun. But I forgot to borrow season 1 (new) Doctor Who off of Luke so it seems my only plan thus far.

Sigh. I think I need a holiday.

Because it's too cool not to share

2009-09-13T23:34:00.007+01:00

What's the deal with prime numbers? Did you know this about them:

http://www.futilitycloset.com/2009/09/11/the-ulam-spiral/

Cool, much?

In other random passing comments:

Shout out to a reader in Greece! Please reveal yourself, I've noticed you for a while and am feeling curious and friendly :-)

I've started Twittering. I'm not sure if I will keep it up but I'm called Basic Kate if you are interested and I am currently experimenting with only doing it in the 2nd person... because 3rd and 1st are so passé.

I have experienced many declaration of randomness and joy recently so am quietly optimistic about the future, in particular because:
a) I now have orange hair and everyone knows that the future's bright, the future's orange (link).
b) There are public pianos on the streets of Bristol, which means we can dance and generally feed love (with music).

I saw a hen party gather around one of the pianos, all dressed in their silly hats and looking chavy, and one of them started playing classical music really well. Expect the unexpected. She then played 'Winnie the Pooh', which I had watched repetitively for a week this summer whilst babysitting and it makes me think of blustery days, which makes me think of the winds of change...

There is hope yet. Summer sucked but this late bit of good weather is all about things coming right eventually. Just gotta wait it out.

Anyway. Just dropping by, got a lot to do, but I will be back I think... and perhaps one day soon I'll tell you a story about the future being bright and where the orange thing first came from (it wasn't really a mobile phone ad but a funny shaped carrot). It's quite an old anecdote, from before everything went bad. Perhaps bringing it back is exactly what we need for this new start. September always feels like a new start to me.

Lataz x

I seem to have a thing for cakes

2009-09-10T17:19:00.004+01:00

Seriously, what do cakes mean? My analogising isn't so hot right now but there's gotta be a significance to why cake keeps coming up. Look what Lizzie sent me today:

http://whisk-kid.blogspot.com/2009/08/say-it-with-cake.html

Amazing, much? First cake wrecks, now cake promises... is there hope on the agenda??? Why cake?!

The Universal Cure

2009-09-08T20:54:00.007+01:00

This one is for any Hugh Laurie fan out there. That man, wow. If I were more of a cliché I'd write something along the lines of him having been standing in the right place when God was giving out all the good stuff. This particular song is actually connected with something I have talked about before here (link) to do with Bob Dylan and his prophetic stylings (did I mention that I think pop music is prophetic?). I can't really express just how ridiculous/sublime I find this piece of comedy writing as far as it being a reminder of the irritatingly glib way that some people can go on about changing the world. But Hugh says it better:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SAg0ppEMbxA

He's right though. That is all we have got to do. Let's go!

P.S. The real answer is love. All you need is love. Do it.

P.P.S. Watch this space for a potentially-coming-soon synopsis of the mathematical reasons for why the Beatles were right.

Let them wreck cake

2009-09-06T23:22:00.004+01:00

I'm too busy to write, what with having a great (though still too early to not be scary) new job, but in the spirit of enjoyment here is the first in an indefinite string of vaguely amusing random stuff I have seen on the internet. 1/3 of my readers may well appreciate this one:

http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/2009/09/sunday-sweets-wow.html

As for the analogising - over to you (if there is a you anymore)...

Enjoy the Dot

2009-09-02T19:46:00.003+01:00

I wrote this last week but I never did post and I don't really know why. The sentiment still holds, which is good 'cause it is supposed to. Sadly I never got a picture of my friend's prophetic jumper so you'll just have to take my word for it...

Life is a bit like a pointillism painting. Up close you haven’t got a clue but each moment is important to make the whole masterpiece. The problem is that the dark spots are as crucial to the beauty as the light spots, but far less fun to live in.

However, be they must and as you see the picture taking shape what looked like a shitty brown colour may well end up being chocolate!

That is my fortune-cookie-glib insight for you all. I'm trying not to do a whole lot of self-analysis at the moment ‘cause turns out it’s a really bad idea, so I decided to quit. Live in the moment and get what you can from it seems to be my message, as seen on the back of a friend’s jumper at dinner last night... it said ENJOY in rainbow coloured beads :-)

Tatters

2009-08-09T18:39:00.014+01:00

I've been struggling a lot with depression recently. It's part of the whole "burnout thing" but it isn't the first time this has happened... it is the worst since I have been a Christian though.

I can't really estimate how long this has been around - it's hardly a binary state - but though life got particularly hard this last term it wasn't until the middle of June, when my degree ended and the change of pressure inevitably hit, that I have been steadily failing at keeping on with God... Often, you see, it was a way to draw near to Him; a place where being dependent resulted in intimacy, no burden was too great and every struggle could also be seen as a blessing. Not a place of perfection but somehow different to how things are now... where, though nothing much has changed in my actual world, it just sucks. I have been rubbish in no uncertain terms and I ain't gonna dwell on my Roman's 7ish tendencies (link). Nor will I exhort the Romans 18:28-ing (link) of them with any stories, though I have them (God is good). Rather I have an analogy.

It is of course resistance training. When you work out it isn't the rep's you can do that are building muscle, but the ones you really can't. Before I was coping, so up goes the pressure. Simple. I am getting strengthened for the next fight I gotta be in (link). Turns out the stuff from before wasn't enough to grow me beyond my limits. I signed up for it with some reckless enthusiasm about being refined and thus made ready to defeat the nasties in the world, and it seems that prayer gets answered... so I am broken, like the ragged, sinewy fibres of a pumped and aching bicep.

I am not going to tell you that I am ok with this. I sometimes am (rarely) and I will be in the future but it is chronically painful a lot of the time and I am very very shaky in my sinful - that is unloving, lifeless, hopeless and generally dodge - attitude and actions. My faith is a wreck, nothing seems to be working out, and I'd rather I was driving along just dandy down the motorway that is my life instead of stuck on a back road with a girt fat tree across the path... or some such. But something put into words by the father of Sam (link), whose tragic death can teach us all a thing or two about putting up with crap, has spoken to me with a far better analogy:

I had a thought today.

It may seem a little random to you but whatever.

As I was thinking about my faith it seemed that it was in tatters around my feet. shreds of it lay all around.

And then I thought perhaps a good way to picture what faith is like would be to imagine a warehouse full of expensive material, sillk or something like that.

Then imagine that someone had placed a bomb right in the centre of the warehouse and blown it up. bits of cloth would fly all over the place and the once beautiful rolls of silk would be chard, ripped and ruined.

and now imagine me (or you?) standing amongst all the bits, the rags that were once silk sheets but are now no more than tatters.

Surely that cant be can it?

Surely our faith is so precious that it must remain in tact. Surely there are things we cannot question!

As I am thinking these thoughts I run around and try to find matching shreds and try to piece them together but I reject the idea of trying to put them back together since they can never again be the beautiful thing they once were, they will never, ever be beautiful, silky smooth, unblemished rolls of perfect silk.

But thats all I have left.

So, I gather the bits together, I carefully and lovingly sew each piece to its partner, and slowly, very, very slowly I rebuild. eventually, after the most amazing ammount of effort I get to the point where I have connected all of the pieces together and now I have a roll of silk again.

But my roll is scarred, stitched together with unskilled hands, threads sticking out here and there, a piece connected back to front and not exactly pefectly straight edged. no longer perfect, not by a long chalk but its there. All my work has seemd to have been for nothing.

How can I present my broken and ripped faith to Jesus? how will this inadequate, distorted thing ever be good enough to get me into heaven? Can I ever use it again? How dare I? what would Jesus, the "author and perfector of our faith" think.

I have not the first idea but in fear, I approach Him and present what I have.

I hold out my faith, falling apart at the seams, ragged and torn to my Lord.

He reaches out a hand to take it.

His hands are the strong hands of a carpenter, hard skinned and knocked by years of practice, but most of all I notice his wrist, torn through, a ragged hole where a nail once ruined his perfect body, I look up and see his eyes, lovingly examiniging my broken faith, his head is marked by thorns, his back is ripped to shreds by a whip that broke his body and his side is ripped open by a spear "just to see if he was dead".

and then I realise, the author and perfector of my faith understands better than I can ever do what it means to be stood among the pile of shreds that was once your beautiful faith. He knows what it means to be crushed, broken and seperated even from God in a way that I will never know.

So now I can try.

At least I can try to pick up the piecses of my faith, find a needle and thread and start to work out how it all goes together.

Thats where I am at right now...

"For it is by grace that you are saved through faith and this is not the result of your own good deeds so that no one can boast."

any one got a needle?

Thinking like this doesn't come easy to me, mind; I don't always have the 'give-a-damn'-ness to want to do that, even having realised the grace both in this parent's attitude and Jesus's actions. But the very nature of that grace necessarily says that I don't have to bring anything myself to the table to be changed. Two days after starting this post I already feel a bit more alive... and if my experience and (meagre) trust is anything to go by then this fight is not over yet...

Stuck... in... traffic... and some songs from some Jacks

2009-08-01T22:46:00.004+01:00

This analogy has been far too long in the making. It will be published tonight.

The lack of completion is itself symptomatic of where I have been "at": stuck in a traffic jam.

My past year (if not 23) has been pretty intense. The running theme, which were you a regular reader you would not have been able to avoid, is refinement: fire & purification; my weakness => His strength... and all that jazz. Seeing hope despite hate has been pretty key too, in fact most of Analogise That! seems to be about belligerent optimism in the face of despair.

Then lately, which I haven't really shared - a combination of being away and also being too tired and miserable to write - I have felt like I dropped below the hope threshold. Jack Johnson said I didn't always have to hold my head higher than my heart (link) and I glad I got his permission because I really haven't been. I've no longer had capacity to "dance on" (link) and worryingly far from feeling like God is making up for it. (That said, my trip to Russia was a crazy example of God being bigger than me, emphasized in particular by me being so tiny I could not even see it... but more another time). My last post was indicative of this (or tried t0 be) as I shared my lack of certainty in what I was seeing or believing. What was perhaps even more telling was the way I wrote in a sort of confusing and messy way! The fact is, my resources are low. I have nothing left to give and it has left me a *little* out of sorts.

The lesson, which I can so easily hear but no so easily apply, is one that says physical well-being is a really key part of emotional and spiritual health. After burning the candle at both ends for so long it is time to stop. STOP. There is a bible story about this dude called Elijah who had an amazing time seeing God at work (see here in 1 Kings 18 (link)) then, next thing you know, he is running afraid for his life and wants to die (check out 1 Kings 19 (link) if you fancy it)...

A moment for an aside about wanting to die: There's this new song by Just Jack (link) that I am still processing - lovely or not? I think it rather depends on if you watch the video but I know that like Elijah, and Paul (link), death doesn't at all feel like the worst thing that could happen to me these days. Suppose it depends on what death means to oneself. Anyway, back to the story...

So he falls asleep under a tree before an angel comes and feeds him, whereupon he sleeps and eats again. Following this he gets just enough energy to go hide in a cave, at which point he sleeps again. Now I know I've had angels looking after me, particularly when I was away (I'll write about that another time perhaps but I read a cool blog about angels (link) once, by a friend of a friend, if you're interested) and I sure as hell know I need to do a lot of eating and sleeping at the moment (where possible I've been getting up to have breakfast then going straight back to bed again - oh happy day!) and that, having barely gotten through some intense journeys, it is now time to hide in my cave and wait for it to be over.

God really spoke to me about this "low point" when I was stuck on the M25 for over 2 hours the week before last, in a traffic jam on my way back to Bristol. It was all about waiting for the wreckage to clear. Not just being patient but to be really making the most of the break... and to recognise that I was So Tired I was nearly asleep and it was probably better that I wasn't going faster than an intermittent 20mph. Enough risks have been taken so stop already. After 2 weeks of processing I can see that I am supposed to be in the queue and that the best way to live a life that feels like it's affected by metaphorical crashing is to not stress but rather accept the situation and get what I can from it. Turn up the radio, shut my eyes, then maybe read a book if I feel more awake and make eye contact with the cute passing motorist(s)! As with the traffic, I have a propensity to start off frustrated and willing it to stop but in time accepting and, following a change of perspective, beginning to appreciate the change of pace and lack of purposeful direction. Take advantage of the blockages, they may well be from an angel.

A good friend wrote a blog recently that was ironically opposite to this. I ain't gonna be passive aggressive, upfront I tells ya that it was annoyingly soppy about a road trip he was taking with his fab new gf! But I know really that it's cool to appreciate the good things in other people's lives and now I have had some sleep all cynicism has passed so I am once again happy for them and just loving the appropriateness of the metaphor that part of his "journey" was going on a journey :-) My "journey" is not the same but it's not supposed to be actually. Last time I tried to "accelerate home" I ended up overshooting by 7 junctions (link) and having to do a direct and humbling retrace. Whoops. Next time I'm not speeding anywhere till I have paid a lot more attention to the destination.

So I've been in recuperation mode, to the point that on Monday my dear mother came all the way to Bristol on the bus to drive me home in my own car. Bless her. Back in my cave with just enough energy to make it and be thoroughly attended by angelic(ish) hosts!
.
.
.

All this said, I accepted a job yesterday that starts in a month! The 1st of August is suddenly upon us and I realise I need to get my life sorted out now so that things don't go horribly wrong when I enter the real world! It seems that the traffic is slightly starting to clear and the next stage of my journey, whatever that involves, looms. I feel able to blog again as I get into a slightly more even flow... and having only just gotten used to the stop/start motion. Better make the most of still being quite slow I suddenly see, knowing just how quickly a road can clear...

I leave you on some FUNNY (link): the horrors of traffic, the lust for other people's failures. It's a shame in a way that he's so close to real life but hey, at least we know the truth about jams :o)

A Russian Doll Analogy

2009-07-20T00:10:00.011+01:00

I'm back! And with me comes an anecdote from my time away that is also the perfect analogy for how I feel about Russia and my relationship with her. However, today I'm not going to tell it 'cause I want to talk about a ridiculous/horrible thing that I have been reading about on the internet, and Russia must wait 'til I am slightly more recovered and able to process choesively.

It all began when a (very bold) fox came into my folks' garden this evening and there was a bit of a hullabaloo about chasing it off. I must say I was suspicious of it from the start, but I figured that was due to this post here (link) (where foxes become a metaphor for mild destruction) and that perhaps I was allowing myself to over-analogise again. WRONG. I need to stop listening to the lies that analogies lose meaning when they are extrapolated - they just need more creative imagination!

Anyway. Why was this wrong? Well, it surprised me that other people didn't say "awwwww" like I would've, had I not got my former analogy, but then Tom (brother from another mother) said that it would eat the cats (of which we have 3). Ridiculous we laughed. Then we googled it and look at this:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/4195162/Hungry-foxes-start-eating-the-nations-cats.html

See, it's in the newspaper, it must be real! :-O There are tons of other horror stories on newsgroups that I would not recommend you reading.

OK, perhaps this isn't the normal fox/cat relationship and some of the accounts may be dubious. However, it is still a very powerful image for me. Some of you may be aware of my Dog of Death (link), the bad symbol that preceded (and was also a part of) a whole lot of death, sadness, destruction, difficulty and general crapness that hit not long after I began writing enthusiastically about hope and joy. I then discovered my Cat of Redemption (link), who represents the good that can come out of bad, the life after death.

So put the two together and we see the good things we know being threated.

It's an even greater danger when we don't believe it is possible, doubting as I did that there was really a risk. But then that is not to say that one concerned cat breeder's reaction is right either:

"I have now given up breeding because it has become too dangerous for the cats. My surviving cats live in a state of siege and I have been left devastated and traumatised." (link)

It's interesting for me to be aware of the ways in which recently my "cats" have been threated by "foxes" that I have not been wary enough of. We know there are threats out there, and also the risk of being too afraid and so missing out on the good stuff, but there is a third and for me even more relevant issue: the analogy within the analogy of my initial false mistrust of the metaphor, as opposed to mistrust of the fox. A danger to not heed the warning because of a lack of faith (which I have definitely been aware of lately).

Ironically, the challenge of my not trusting what I may or may not be "hearing" from God [insert your prefered source of truth here] though analogies comes in the form of an analogy, and an extrapolated one at that! I'm not entirely sure what to do at this seeming impasse but I am aware I have my doubts and confusion over what is true and what is not and in time I hope that God will resolve them. I suppose that somewhere the moral (should I choose to heed it) is not to believe in what He may or may not be saying/doing but rather in Him. After all, with or without acceptance of the analogy the fox was well and truly chased away...

"The best way to strip the allure and dreaminess from a lifelong dream is, very often, simply to have it come true"

2009-06-21T13:40:00.008+01:00

I read this on 22 words (link) and I thought it was apt. Partly because it has a vague Russian link and I'm going there this Friday. Mostly because with all my talk about dreaming and all my dreams falling through I like the comfort!

This is a pretty personal blog post. I don't want to dwell on me too much but I haven't much else to write about and I wanted to say fare-thee-well properly before I sign off for a month. Perhaps do a brief review of the academic year and spend a moment on self-analysis, if you'll allow.

Been a pretty intense week. Lots of hopes not being fulfilled, actually that isn't just this week. Having tolerated this for a time the thing I have started saying recently is "I want it to be the time when blessings aren't a consolation prize, I've had enough of this refinement" and it seems that what I am being reminded is "in the upside-down kingdom good things don't always look like good things as you might expect". So I stand once again corrected and, actually, it is an OK place to be. My situation may not change but my perspective must.

I got my hair cut this week and it looks quite different but it also isn't hardly any shorter - just more styled and no longer getting in my eyes. The analogy on my old blog (link) was that my hair is akin to my spiritual journey and back in September I had to cut it all off and wait for the bob length (and also "bob length") to arrive; I now have almost the same style I did when I left Geneva but this time it isn't bleached and dry with a dodgy dye-job. Being significantly reshaped can hurt but it is not getting rid of the good stuff, just crafting it, and it's so shiny now that the hairdresser even commented. Good quality, genuine colour: I may not look significantly different but it shows on the outside some and on the inside the difference is immense.

Learning to dream has been amazing and disappointing. I come out burned from doing it wrong by holding on too tightly when I know I shouldn't but I think I come out ready to one day dream again... though perhaps in a vaguer way! Hope does not disappointed but only when it is done in perfection. Until I hope perfectly I must be prepared for sometimes reaching in the wrong direction and clutching onto thin air. But I will still dream. If you want to view paradise, simply look around and view it (link). Pure imagination is good but if it's all just a fabrication then that is a sad state-of-affairs.

I'm going to Russia with love. Then when I get back I'm doing what I feel like for as long as I am free to, before God shows me something else to do. We'll dream again on the other side of the trip but first I must pack, sleep, escape, recoup and... tell you what have a poem. I wrote it on the theme of 'Unweave, unwind, unravel' and it was, I admit, a bit rushed and apparently is not up to scratch for the magazine, but the great thing about having my own blog is that I get to choose what is published and if no-one else likes it I know God does, which I've decided is enough for me.

Undone. Redone

Undone by grief I can but wait
How to make it ok?

Like a mess of wire, tangled but live
When something gets cut we lose the light
and have to trace back the thread to find where the circuit was broken
Where we need to repair
Heart laid bare

Unpick the knot inside
Rewind
Let it unwind
Unravel your mind, risky
Sublime

Exposed copper thread like a glimmer divine
in this tapestry we call life
Truth in the deepest and bitterest strife
The journey before is a wending path
Horizon now dim casts shadows at dusk
but the dawn is coming. It must
As we walk-on the way is unwound and so we are able, despite it being rough
Sometimes we even laugh.

But the cable is severed and current can’t flow
Blinded, fumbling. No love. No glow.
Even replacing a fuse needs a torch,
how can I see to restore what is lost?
Stripped naked. Taken apart. In the dark. Where to start?
Theory sounds good but alone I remark in a bitter tone
No chance

With no external power source any hope we have is false
So, let there be light!
Desperate cry.
Love replies.

Sometimes it takes shock to unblock
A cut in the line to loosen the knot

Now fearless, released, redone, wound tight
Until the sun rises, ready to fight
We’ll yet make it through the night.

Apparently in St P's it is the time of year when the evenings are so long and the morning so early that it doesn't ever get properly dark. It's called a "white night". I'm up for some of that.

The love is key though. There's a pretty great passage in the ole Bible about it: 1 John 4:7-19 (link). I'll write more about love when I get back though I probably needn't bother since that sort of says it all. It's the reason shattered dreams don't matter, the reason broken hearts can be restored, the end and the means and the driving force to get there.

I part on a BRILLIANT analogy for love. The Tape of Love (link). If you're only going to follow one link today then let this be it.

With love,

Kat(i)e x

2009-06-17T00:33:00.004+01:00

Don't think I'll be blogging much for a while. That's not a promise, I just don't feel like it right now and I'm going away soon too. For those that are interested I did finish my degree, I don't know what I got (though I find out in 2 days - the beauty of having a late extension is you don't have to wait long) and I haven't a clue what I am going to do next or for the rest of my life.

But I don't really care. At the moment I'm focusing on catching up sleep and getting away from it all... not quite ready yet to rejoin the world I'm meant to be a part of so a month overseas with strangers sounds perfect.

I'm excited about being creative in other ways for a while actually. Blogging's been my thing for over a year, perhaps it's time for a change.

See you around... or not.

I will run and not grow weary

2009-06-12T02:41:00.002+01:00

My Achilles tendonitis did not stop me from finishing the 10k. It didn't even stop me running the whole way. It just made me a lot slower. Analogise That!

Tomorrow is the finish line and it will be moved no more. I will cross it. Up to but not over the edge.

but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
Isaiah 40:31 (link)

I wish I'd thought of that

2009-06-09T22:55:00.005+01:00

http://nedroidcomics.livejournal.com/230523.html

I love that this is a comic about strategies for spreading love.

Also that I found this website through intraweb sharing - it's all about SYNERGY.

Also that this morning my mum told me to listen to a program on radio 4 which just now became so relevant to my project having not seemed to be at the time. Synergy at work in a project about... synergy. The added value of togetherness. Love it!

Continuous themes in all aspects of life is my favourite.

Also, through "arbitrary" web-clickage and a train of thought seeded by some facebook comment then faciliated by "random" shuffle on i-tunes meant I:
a) Found out that Charles Spurgeon (link) got a lot done in his life and so it is possible.
b) Was motivated by a funny Norweigan preacher to go for Big and Impossible Dreams in the full knowledge I will face Disappointment, Discouragement and Distraction but to keep going anyway. Which was, inronically, a rejuvenating, encouraging and focusing message.

So, yeah, I'm feeling excited by dreaming again and, to top it all off, I've remembered another pair of knickers that were purchased at the same time as my 'Pants of Power' and I rather think they may be prophetic too:

"In your wildest dreams"

Excellent.

More an apology than an analogy

2009-06-09T15:58:00.005+01:00

I'm just touching base to say that I was tired, hungry, hormonal and a little bit grumpy last night. My project is going much better and, though I stand by the premise that things are not to be held onto tightly and sometimes we should only look one foot ahead of us on the path (or one junction on the M25), I should not let this be mixed up with being in a Bad Mood. So sorry. Adding that sort of emotion in makes my worthwhile point see a lot less worthwhile. Basically, make sure you read the last post with a filter...

Back to the Dissertation of Trust, as I am currently calling it. I don't quite know where I am going with it so one step at a time is the strategy and I can only hope that'll get me there. The Good Thing is that the general message of the paper (hope in love) is the very thing that gets me through; so if I am right it'll be fantastic and if I'm wrong it'll be disastrous, which is basically how I feel about life anyway.

Oh and, just in case you don't follow the same blogs as me but wanna read stuff that I write (mum and dad), the Verbatim blog I evangelised about (link) a while ago just put up one of my poems! Check it out (link). The hope that everyone else on my course needed this advice is one of the things that is getting me through...!

Earth with a bump

2009-06-08T22:03:00.003+01:00

I'm feeling a little disheartened.

I tend to think there are two types of people. Neither is better or worse you understand, we're just different.

The first is the sort that live a continuous journey of discovery, going where the river takes them as it were and being content, on the whole, with whatever happens... or if not then letting the solution be part of the "flow". They tend to be less driven for specific Big Things (by which I don't mean better) and sometimes (she speculates rashly) more wary of them. None of this is a bad way of doing life, it can often be very healthy, safe (in a good way) and productive.

The second live as though they have a list of errands to run. This doesn't mean they necessarily go fast, or they can't be flexible, but they have specific objectives in mind and they go for them. I am one of these sort. We tend to make sweeping generalisations as a part of this mindset :-P. It's not that I'm against going with the flow, far from it, but the surprises are always part of the details that I have in mind, even if I didn't know it before it happened. Perhaps this is the same as being "visionary" or some such word... Everything has to have a point and the little points make up the big point.

I have two very Big Plans at the moment. Music and Policy Making. They are both impossible to achieve without a good dose of the miraculous/very good fortune. They are both strong passions of mine and I can't think of anything else I'd rather head towards (especially with the lack of employment right now). I shall call myself a Mutician and it will be beautiful.

There have been a fair few number of "signs" too, analogies as it were, that have encouraged me with my plans. But the thing is, I don't know how much I believe in analogies anymore. I think perhaps I have been a bit rash in the past in practising what a game theorist might call 'cognitive dissonance' or what any one else would say is 'wishful thinking in the face of obvious evidence to the contrary'. I don't know but I reckon I may be doing the same now. Just because all things are possible doesn't mean all things will happen.

Yesterday I excitedly told a friend about The Plan and he said it was great to have all my energy, so long as I didn't hold onto it too tightly. I said I knew it was only possible with God so time would tell and I came away feeling confidant of my enthusiasm. As a type II person I tend to be a bit harsh with the way I view type I people's rationale and often end up having to eat my words. Like now. That phrase about 'holding on tightly or lightly' reminded me of another good friend, who is also quite type I (I think and hope that is an acceptable assessment to make), that talked recently about holding on lightly to a lack of Big Plans and enjoying life for where it was at. It seems that the theory works well for both types, perhaps even more so for the likes of me... I can get caught up on desires all too easily and, while it's good to dream, it's not good to invest everything in one place or (as I see it) make plans regardless of what God wants to do.

'Cause the thing is, and I do have an analogy even if I don't believe in it (!), yesterday I was driving around the M25 (a motorway) going from junction 26 to junction 15, to then change for the M4 (another motorway). I was praying on my way (this is not a holy statement. I can't program the radio very well and get bored easily, plus - wait for the rest of the story...) and I got so into it that the 45ish minute journey became an hour and 25 before I realised I was at junction 7! I had to come off and drive down the M32 all the way to Gatwick airport before I could turn around and retrace my steps. SO frustrating.

Thing is, I'm not at all sure I was praying the "right" prayers if I'm honest. I think I was so fixated on fervently asking for what I wanted that I missed where I was supposed to be going. What a waste.

My project. It's not really ground-breaking. At best it will be a well-written, finished rehash of ideas. Other people have said the same things better, which is fine, but the brilliant metaphor for hope of redemption in society isn't working out as I planned and that is a bit disappointing. Like a resolved journey that did at least get me home but didn't at all take the optimal route. 'Mathematical Models For Hope' is becoming 'Mathematical Models For Stating The Bleeding Obvious'. Today it doesn't feel like making the world a better place, it feels like all I can aim for is to get to my destination without any more blunders. It's cool that I refueled before I made my journey, and that I got the chance to undo the mistake, but getting waylaid can be a pretty disheartening experience... especially when it's by my own headstrong making and wouldn't have happened if I'd been more open-hearted.

As for music. Seriously? I get nervous when I meet minor, pathetic, day-time television celebrities. I couldn't get on stage.

I wonder how many more things these fingertips will have to let go of before I realise that I missed my turning, find a roundabout and start heading towards my true destination. The type I's have a point when they don't get caught up on goals. It is true that I think God has a plan for me but who am I to think I know what it is:

"For just as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so my ways are higher than your ways
and my thoughts higher than your thoughts."
Isaiah 55:9 (link)

That's what God says. My version of aiming High is still very much based upon what people think is high, He has an entirely different view point. Jesus was the King that washed his disciples feet (link) for goodness sake.

So maybe I'll go be a maths teacher, as everyone keeps asking, and sing in a bar at the weekend to practise being bold. Nowt wrong with that. No-one is crying out for more Muticians but there's a definite shortage of people taking the time to show kids how to count.

The Cat of Redemption

2009-06-06T08:53:00.008+01:00

I'm in London for one night only (well, probably two now actually, extended by popular demand) to visit some friends who were passing through, raid the folk's fridge and do my laundry. It's thus far proven successful on the first two accounts already and I only arrived last night.

When I got in about 11pm I saw my cat Tilly standing in the hallway. She is a shy thing, all black and half feral, who had only slightly begun to be sociable just before we got our psychotic dog four years ago. Since then her feral side had come out in full force as she spent all her time in the neighbour's shed, only coming in to eat and skulking round the house on person alert if it was cold outside. Yesterday she stood there for ages and looked at me.

The first thing I though was how lovely it was to see her there, sort of greeting me.

The second thing I thought was how very sad that the reason she was is that my psychotic dog got put down since I was last here (see this link), for (not surprisingly) being psychotic. At the time it was an analogy for things going horribly wrong in the world from the bad choices people make (though I didn't mean Wendy necessarily had a choice... but people do, however small it seems). Since that post I have experienced close at hand a shocking real example of this (see this link if you don't know what I mean but be prepared for sadness). I said no analogy befitted it but, since I really do believe in the premise of my blog that everything points towards something bigger, this tragedy too has proved to be an analogy for many things. One of which is, it turns out, unexpected life.

Sam's death brought new life. We have seen so much of it in the way communities have rallied round, friendships have deepened and God's comforting presence has been known. One woman I've heard of who turned her back on the idea of God many years ago, after the untimely death of her husband, was so impressed by the way that his parents have reacted that she became a Christian and got baptised last weekend. I acknowledge that this story only means something for Christians but it means a heck of a lot for us. No-one can deny the love that has been grown out of this darkness and, from our perspective, eternal life too. Wow.

Now, it sounds really clinical to say it's worth it. That's because it isn't. The effects of death can't be undone just like that, his family are heartbroken and will grieve for the rest of their lives. Their earthly lives. Yet being a both/and world it also is, even if we can't truly mean that in our hearts now, 'cause Sam isn't really dead. Once we get free from the now there will be no more grieving, and when that woman gets to heaven and meets him oh my will it be beautiful.

Anyway. This is a tricky conversation and I defy anyone to really know how to say that, particularly given half (made up statistic) my readers aren't Christians so won't agree at all. Back to the animals...

I am more of a dog person really and had just spent the evening with three delightful ones at Chris and Katherine's. [Actually, a another redemptive story about a dead dog is that his parent's puppy got tragically killed by a car about 6 months ago and when they did get a new one recently she was already named Grace. Isn't that lovely?] Wendy was magic (when she wasn't psychotic) and nothing can or ever will replace her but I love my cats too and we have three in the house, all of whom are experiencing a new lease of life with the death of a canine. Tilly came up to me in the kitchen this morning and was both scared of and desperate for attention... she let me "smooth" (as the Bristolians would say) her a while before she ran away. I can't wait to see how things will yet change.

[EDIT: She is SO different, even to how she was before the dog. I had a proper cuddle with her this morning for a good few minutes :-D]

The cat of redemption has reminded me that out of all things there can be brought forth good - light after the dark, sunshine after the rain, love after heartbreak, "life" after "death"... Life after Death...

I couldn't find a pic of Tilly quick to hand but this is Kitty and the shot is very cool... Analogise That!

I Don't Matter

2009-05-30T18:01:00.005+01:00

I've been in the library for a lot of hours today. The progress made was, for me, entirely fabulous as I got back into my very exciting project (it will be like the longest blog post ever - which sounds like something that would come naturally to me!) and started to form all sorts of ideas in an almost organised way (my new strategy is to have a different word document for each one and then try and structure it from there). I have a sensible schedule these next two weeks of only doing the extra-curricular activities that I feel "lead" to. My attitude is that if I do what I am supposed and able to then that is all I need or should aim for. The rest (if that by itself isn't enough) is up to God in His infinite wisdom to orchestrate as, when and how He chooses. Chaos isn't chaos it is just that our perspective is so limited we can't see the pattern. That is how my head feels most of the time and so I am learning to relinquish control and trust that He knows the bigger picture.

This might sound impressively peaceful but I tell you I spent most of the year learning this lesson 'the hard way'. Walking down my road on the way home I remarked to myself just how freeing trust feels. This must be what the bible means when it says do not worry (link), having an external controller is the best thing ever! I then very quickly became aware of just how vulnerable this trust of mine is, how easily it could go and the dire side-effects that would result if it did. I wouldn't be a little bit stressed; the reason peace is so important to me is that I need it to function!

So I sort of made this concern into a prayer that begged it wouldn't go. Then, moments later, I walked past my car. It is parked just outside my front door on the other side of the road under a tree... and the window was wound a good way down...

Eeeeek! I went over, it was full of leaves (and covered in sap) but was still locked. So I dashed inside, grabbed the keys, spotted a note from my neighbour asking if the car with the open window was mine, went back and checked if Valerie had anything missing. Nothing. All my CDs in the glove pocket (and yes, I do have excellent taste), all my loose change and 'car snacks' (thanks Becca) still hanging about. Mouldy orange peel, check. She was untouched.

Now we have had several break-ins on our street over time. There is a school just up the road (though I know I'm stereotying the bored scally-wags of youth), the residential area is quite reputed for theft and, on top of this, it has been like that since I last drove on Tuesday night! I am so incapable...!

Yet how "fortunate" too. I feel protected and compensated for. Like who I was in my inadequacy didn't matter, because my mistake didn't render me missing out.

They say you should trust God but lock your car. That is a theological debate I ain't getting into but as an analogy it sort of makes sense that we should do what we can and then not fret about what we can't... even if what we can't is seemingly not enough. My open window was not doing what most people would say is "enough" but in that moment of utter insufficiency God was gracious. Story of my life really. What I do don't matter, and that is a good thing.

The other day my friend Mike asked me what I was going to get on my degree. [Aside: in decreasing order the possible grades in England are 1st, 2:1, 2:2, 3rd, pass, fail. If you get a 3rd or below people tend to think it is poor and a 2:2 is looked down on by academic snobs] I said I was most probably in the running for a 2:2 with a small chance of a 2:1 if God wanted me to get it for some reason (and I suppose technically a chance of a 1st if God wanted to do an actual miracle!). He said I was looking at it all wrong, that if my "plan" depended on a 2:1 I had to go get it, not that I would get it if my "plan" depended on a 2:1.

Now, obviously I have to try because the whole point of this relationship with God is that I should honour Him in all I do, which includes maths homework. But when it comes down to it, I will do my bit and my bit may well be rubbish. In fact, sometimes I will not even do my own small bit - that's how crap I can be - but even then He is merciful. It's not an excuse to do nothing (or worse) as Mike thought but it is a pretty wonderful place to be in: that even when faced with my failings He can and does override the inevitable and make things a safe, thief-free, place to thrive :-)

Lifeline

2009-05-27T00:49:00.015+01:00

Today I did my last exam. Phewww.

I still have a dissertation to do and a history of not making deadlines. Some may say don't hold your breath... 26 days late is my longest record!

I call it a lifeline this time. I've been offered a lifeline to make up for my inadequacy. People say "deadline" is a phrase that stems from slavery, when to get a task completed by or else... I don't know if this is true. I do sort of feel like that is the (albeit pessimistic) case for this mortal coil though, in't it? We have to fit everything in before our deadline...

This is a meandering post that is sort of going wherever my 1am "I wish I was sleepy but I'm a bit out of sync and over-medicated and can't settle even though I only had 4 hours last night" mind will take it. Slavery - the bible talks about being a slave to sin. Hear me out, if we take out the word "sin" and replace it with "being a bit of a sh*t" then I reckon that is rather legit. It was my one year anniversary with Jesus yesterday (OMG His present to me was amazing but that is for another day) and my sis bought me this book that I haven't yet read but I flicked and it has a quote from C.S. Lewis (leg-end) that I thought was interesting and seems to fit:

"Hell begins with a grumbling mood, always complaining, always blaming others... but you are still distinct from it. You may even criticise it in yourself and wish you could stop it. But there may come a day when you can no longer. Then there will be no you to criticise the mood or even to enjoy it, but just the grumble itself, going on forever like a machine. It is not a question of God 'sending us' to hell. In each of us there is something growing, which will BE Hell unless it is nipped in the bud." From The Great Divorce

I do love good old Clive, wow. He just puts into words, so eloquently and relatably, many notions that people often can't otherwise appreciate from the Bible. It matches (in my mind) how I have been trying to talk about the way darkness exists in the world through peoples' attitudes - not being excited by life or caring enough or joyful or loving or hopeful or enthusiastic and active to seek these things... Apathy being a good example. Or selfishness. Or compromise. Or fear.

On Sunday night I heard a really good sermon about being courageous. Afterwards the pastor was chatting with us students some more and he said something that really stuck in me. "If you are already fearless then you can't be courageous". Now. I have been rather getting carried away with my vehemency for change in this world and not stopping short of anything less than what probably seems intensely "radical". I've been called brave recently, that was actually for something quite specific but in general people are encouraging of my enthusiasm. Yet, well, in all my passion and heart and real intention to act I realise that I am not actually pushing myself. I am just a verbose (some may say gobby) drama queen who had such a rubbish life for so long that she is now logically embracing the truth she has found and pushing it to the max because, as a mathematician, it comes naturally to her to optimise return. In this oblivious place I can easily seem pushy, guilt-trippy and lately, I realised to my horror, passive aggressive (mostly sub-conscious but still loaded, sorry guys). But the thing is, I am not actually being nearly as bold as I may be implying because all this is what I like best anyway. I don't want to suggest (or believe) that unless people are like me they are not "going for broke" because while I have A Lot of energy and vision none of it is mustered, it just sort of is. The real proof of character is to step out for the things that take some effort, some extra (perhaps granted) power, some faith. Jade Goody was ott - it didn't made her brave it just made her loud.

I don't know quite what it is I must do in order to step out of my comfort zone but I do know that accepting the title of bravery is not really something that I can do yet. Bravery is a choice, not a character trait, but it is measured in relation to personality and if I am a fan of "extreme living" (so long as it isn't in sports) then I have to find something else to improve at. There are plenty of weak areas it's just most of them don't involve speaking or acting out! Perhaps the opposite...

In fact I think I may have been letting darkness in and disguising it as light; hiding a grumble in legitimate disappointment and righteous anger. That has got to be more dangerous than being a regular moaner. Oh I so appreciate being forgiven (by people and God alike) when I mess up in this way - it's the lifeline again, yet another chance.

Did that segue nicely back to the start of the post? Do I have a point? I don't know. Not feeling that clear in my head but somehow, in my heart, I do. I have freedom and it doesn't stem from emotional independence, academic closure, listening to Nina Simone (link) (though that does help) or even living in my privileged, literally unchained existence with all the love and beauty I have around me in the world. It is the love in my heart that means I am free despite the fact that I have had a pretty "hellish" few weeks with just about every tragic/emotional/work pressured/relational/physical/health-related/mentally unstable/personal failing issue arising a girl could wish for. This thrice now extended (record is 6) project pends too and I have a lot of tasks to squeeze in that need sorting before summer... but I just wish I could share all the love that's in my heart 'cause it is the reason I don't feel enslaved by the stuff above (granted I do sometimes - again with the 'both/and/now/not yet' thang). Living with a lifeline is so much better than a deadline, it's yet another analogy for the fullness and "Kingdom" that I bang on about. Who doesn't want that? (Apart from Lord Humperdink of course but I reckon even he would if he could.)

I'm pretty busy these next couple of weeks, boldly going where no Kat(i)e has ever gone before - the library. Pray for me if you don't mind (you don't have to believe it) and I'll see you around...

Lataz :-)

Stupid?

2009-05-23T15:29:00.012+01:00

I've got a lot of 'Righteous Anger' right now at (to quote my facebook status):

injustice, selfishness, apathy, compromise, intentional ignorance and spineless (in)decision... but it is too late to say or do anything about it. Too late in the day that is, NOT too late in the "day"

That was what I put up last night after watching the film "Age of Stupid" (link) and then talking into the night with Becca about things that are wrong with this world and what we can do about it. Apparently I'm an idealist. I was called a visionary once by a good friend who then told me that visionaries were always disappointed by the way things don't work out as fabulously as they'd hoped for. I told them they were wrong, visionaries aren't ever disappointed, they just have to wait longer to see the fruits of their hope. Last night I was totally brimming with huge "grrrrrrrrrr" about the state of our world and didn't know how to deal with that on my own. Global warming is just an analogy for the way we are breaking - it isn't just the planet, the people are on a slippery slope to destruction too... it's because we are selfish and there isn't enough love. I'll talk more about my anger another day though 'cause the thing is, in the midst of all this, hope has once again won out. The dawn after the dark. If we can only hold on long enough it will be OK. More than OK, I think (though I don't always believe it this strongly :-)) that it will one day be perfect. I just can't help my "stupid" hope.

A friend of mine had an absolutely terrible train journey the other day and ended up, after tons of other things going wrong, having to pay an extra £50 on top of her ticket :-( It made her very sad in quite a public way. The stop before Bristol a man handed her an envelope as he got off and insisted she took it. On the outside it said:

"This is all I have. Please put it towards your fare :-) I would do the same for my daughter."

And on the inside was £8. People are also good. Sometimes.

Today I found out that a friend I prayed for two weeks ago had his broken ankle healed. (Interestingly it was the same foot that I've since damaged and I had also asked God to give me more sympathy for him!) We met in the street moments after I had remarked to Beks that my foot was almost completely recovered and, considering I was told it would take months, it felt quite like a miracle. Then Matt walks past on the other side without a cast or even support bandage. I ran (!) over and found out that he is almost totally mobile and there is no break or fracture!

Was there one in the first place? Well, apparently the fracture was only assumed when they treated and the X-ray that showed there wasn't one came later. For this reason his friend, who was there when we prayed and then again on the road today, understandably didn't recognise the supernatural element. HOWEVER, the X-ray did show a fully recovered fracture that the doctor said must've happened sometime in the past since it was far too fixed to be this recent occasion. Matt plays football for the uni 1st team and has trained 3 times a week since practically forever. He doesn't remember a problem with his ankle, ever. So a very very bad injury that people initially assumed was a break, which has now recovered unnaturally fast, is replaced with a mark that says there used to be a break here but it has completely healed. There is absolutely no history of any other damage. Is it more "logical" (incidentally, Logic is the class we were in when we prayed!) that he repeatedly played football on an unnoticed broken leg or that the prayer may just have work...? His friend didn't have an answer for that one.

Hope. I don't hope in the little bits of kindness from people - £8 doesn't cover a £50 bill. OK, so if a few of us could all give £8... but actually, out of that whole carriage only one person did. To believe in humanity would be false hope. I hope in miracles. Watch the film. I reckon it would take one just to change people's attitudes.

That said, this is NOT a disclaimer for people who aren't giving their "£8" (or however much we have in our wallet) so they can justify staying in their seats, reading their books and pretending they don't see what is going on with the ticket inspector. In the words of Peter Parker's uncle:

"With great power comes great responsibility"

That is, in part, where my anger is rooted (and I'm trying to not let it be at people but rather the things that make us how we are), because hope is active and very few of us (myself included) are in motion. When I do pray for something more often than not I end up being part of the answer. As a Christian I am a member of the "body of Christ" and if we want Jesus to walk this earth again - a synonym could be we want love to go viral - then we have to be his hands and feet (or infectious carriers of the love-bug). Having a broken ankle isn't an excuse; not when He can mend them!

It's big, it's scary, it's hard to know where to start, but we are not in a place where "doing our bit for the environment" is enough. I have plans. I have people that are up for it. I have a manifesto for change and it is organic, holistic, optimistic and ridiculous. Imagine A Brighter Future. Post Tenebras Lux. All things are possible but we have got to BELIEVE. Or failing that IMAGINE and hope desperately that we start to believe as we see change (and perhaps miracles) come about. I tell you what: imagining is, in and of itself, pretty darn exciting! There's nothing to lose and a heck of a lot to gain.

You want in...?

evangelism

2009-05-22T00:24:00.011+01:00

I am defining the term "to evangelise" in the language of AT! I haven't had a major rant about language and how exciting it is yet but only because my head/schedule is too busy to go into all that. It's all inside waiting for the right time to burst forth.

I just took a French exam today see and next week I have one about creating different mathematical languages so these are pretty relevant examples, nay analogies, of saying the same thing through different expressions. It's an analogy for an analogy!

But I'm late it's tired and this post is not meant to be for anything apart from spreading good news. Hence being an evangel - the word was adopted by Christianity because we tell people the Good News (i.e. Gospel (link)) but linguistically it just means general good news (I think, that's what my inbuilt dictionary tells me anyway). So henceforth I'm taking it literally and going to use "evangelism" as a word to denote telling you about good things I've found.

And the good thing I'm going to tell you about today is this rather fabulous blog I just discovered through an online-community member (life's all about the organic networking) called Verbatim (link). Fabulous idea, brilliantly named creator. Gabriel Smy (I call him Gabe though and he's cool wid it) is the author and 'poetry formed from found text' is the concept. It's sort of like Analogise That! with the noticing stuff in the world to be something more than what it is but with a much more limited (or should I say honed) scope. Finding beauty in the mundane. It has an air of the ridiculous walking hand-in-hand with the sublime that I like. I think this one (link) rocks because it is about computer programming (language in it's most boring form :-P) and the idea of bringing beauty from that textbook is totally analogous to the incredibly beautiful things that programming (which can appear dry to those of us that can't grasp it) creates all the time. Which in inself is analagous to how we find beauty and truth in unexpected and seemingly mundane places, perhaps moreso when there are no trappings... and that brings me full circle to the idea of 'poetry from the ordinary' as both an actual thing and an analogy for life, Ulyssees and the set of numbers between 0 and 1.

If you aren't confused then my hat is way off (metaphorically speaking). I think I may be about to exlode with inexpressible and widely scattered synaptic spasms. The land of bedfordshire is most definitely calling...

Oh and one more thing: small point to BIG, yeah? good points to Good, life points to Fullness of Life, love points to True Love... There is a Reality that all the analogies are just expressing a bit of, showing one aspect of that Truth. A truth but not the whole truth. Well, when I say "evangelise" it's an analogy too. sharing about good news is like Sharing about Good News. Things with a capital letter are the destination to which the analogies all head, so when it's "Evangelism" it's not a simile anymore and you should Listen...! But that is a whole other post/thread/Analogy...

How mouldy is too mouldy?

2009-05-20T20:18:00.006+01:00

I'm really hungry. I am supposed to be making some long overdue dinner but the analogy in my kitchen won out...

I found some "smoked style cheese" in the fridge with a coupla patches of unexpected growth on it. Then my last soft oatmeal roll, I just now discovered, had a good few blue spots all over it's underside.

The first I chucked in an instant - I only bought it because there was an offer on and the other options were even worse sounding. Silly Kat(i)e. Everybody knows that "style" means "faked" and almost always tastes like "sh*t".

The second I picked off the bits and am about to turn into a smoked bacon and avocado sandwich. In general I strongly oppose waste (it's like death and apathy) and the value that this meal will bring me is more than worth the compromise. Hey, they make medicine out of mould don't they?

But, well, much more and I would have had to bin the bread too. There is only so much imperfection that one can deal with before something becomes unsalvageable. Before it stops being redeemable and just makes one sick. It's a sad fact and my hope is to save as much bread, and other decomposing goods, as possible from being wasted. The imminent destiny of that roll is so scrummy, how gutted would it be to get left too long and miss out on its bacony/avocadoey/wipe of mayo future...?!

The cheese was actually less affected than the bread and I know that, were it a good bit of cheddar, I would had done some scraping foe show. It's lack of quality that made me disinclined. To be honest, that white spot was all the motivation I needed to chuck out something I never really should have bought and definitely oughtn't eat.

I suppose it's a question of payoff. What is the quality/flaw ratio that determines if we seek to rescue or if we bin it and go food shopping? This question applies on many levels and in both directions - from the things we pursue in life, to the way we are pursued. Down here on the superficial 'food decision' base right up to the 'am I being what God/god/gods/other intended me to be' plane... and everything in between. When do we give up/get given up on? What is the qualitative measure and, with respect to this, how mouldy is too mouldy?

Then, as a corollary: how long till I becomes too mouldy? Tick tick tick. We choose our dinner and our destiny but even the best things have a use-by-date (sometimes the better/fresher something is the quicker it needs eating to not go stale). Use it or lose it - that's even in the bible (link)!

Enough of all this, I'm off for tea! In the evening-meal-in-England sense that is. Mmmmmmm, bacon...

Creating Space

2009-05-18T15:45:00.008+01:00

What is he doing, that boy in midfield
With the innocent-looking face?
He's losing himself in the midst of the crowd
Creating space.

How does he do it, that ordinary boy
With no obvious surge of pace,
Find for himself in the crowded pitch
A private place?

The rest of the team and the other team too
Are happy to tackle and chase.
He strolls by himself in the midst of the crowd
Creating space.

Where has he gone to, that ordinary boy
With the incredibly smiley face?*
How could he shift from the well-marked pitch
Without a trace?

The rest of the team and the other team too
Continue to tackle and chase.
He's off on his own in a bubble of time
Creating space.

Allan Ahlburg, Friendly Matches, p46. Puffin, London 2002
*words slightly altered to better describe Sam

An ordinary boy was Sam. Yet really really not. Everyone knew - they could see it in his smile - just how different Sam was. The start up message on his phone said "Smile, Jesus loves you" and that is why Sam smiled... and why he was different. A little over two weeks ago this (extra)ordinary boy walked out of his football game, onto the pavement, into the arms of Jesus and now he is home (link).

A message from his dad:

Sam was a great boy. There was a reason he was like he was, its not just because of the way we brought him up or his awesome friends. he was different.

In the Bible it talks about Christians being like aliens, people who are not like other people, people who don't belong to this world, children of God, in fact.

Real Christians, like Sam, are not super heroes, they make mistakes and do things wrong and don't think they are any better than any one else but they know a secret that other people don't know and it makes them smile.

Sam knew that secret.

You wanna learn to smile like him? If you do then you need to know the secret. Thing is, it's not meant to be a secret, God has made it as plain as day.

If you don't believe in God you can't learn to smile like Sam. But if you believe...

You wanna know more? Reply to this and I will tell you what I told him and then you can chose to believe it and smile or turn your back on it and live any way you want.

The Bible says that if you know the truth you will be set free.

That makes you smile.

Today I create space for the message of a man that just cremated his extraordinary 11 year old son and still wants people to smile. Can you create the space to hear it? Maybe you already have the space and this "secret" of which we speak sounds like it might just fit...

Synergy

2009-05-15T00:28:00.005+01:00

The whole is greater than the sum of the parts.

I talked the other day about how I think community is key to living a full life. As an aside, I have basically accepted that fullness of life is the whole point of this blog. Turns out, as I'm looking to read into stuff in the world, that the thing it is all saying is to be fulfilled/seek the Kingdom/imagine a brighter future/love/hope/live in light/know the orgasmic truth/[insert your preferred positive metaphor here]. More on that another time but in a nutshell: this blog is about what I think the world talks about which, in my opinion, is living life as it is supposed to be.

So, coming back to topic, community is key. We all have such diversity (as seen by the different languages we speak) and can offer brilliant perspectives on the different ways to understand this "wildest dreams" life. In that we can all come away more enlightened and having stretched and encouraged each other. So I want to make an effort to be an online community. And I want to be more about conversing than informing. Granted I have blogged incredibly intensively recently but I want to step back a little now life isn't quite as sudden and shocking.

So what I'm basically saying is please, let's be interactive. Also, please take note of my community, which you can find to the left hand side of the page. They are saying some pretty sweet things.

The first of which that I draw your attention to is something that made me cry with joy... and not just 'cause I'm in it. Becca talks about life through the medium of literature and is incredibly insightful:

Jusquauboutiste

I love the meaning of this word. Being the sort of person that goes right up to the end, no half-measures, doing it in full. Read the post - it's about being fed up of the turd and not giving up on seeking for it to be better. It's also about a lot more to be fair, all of which is her own (and partly James Joyce's) analogy for this complete existence that we seek. I can't do it justice but if you have the inclination to connect with the über intellect of this women then you will be entirely blessed. My first response was to change my facebook status to "Kat(i)e has pure love pulsing through her veins, heightening every sensation and driving her slightly insane". I adore it when life is so real in a good way that it aches pleasantly.

All are welcome and if you want to introduce yourself to the rest of us then know it will be delightedly received.

Love you guys.

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to Fly?

2009-05-12T22:33:00.011+01:00

I wrote a poem time ago, like January or something, and I nearly put it on my old blog. Don't quite remember why I didn't but a couple of months ago I was prompted when I saw this picture at my friend Claire's house:

I was delighted to hear that she had painted it and under some "God-inspiration" no less. The analogy for her was the idea of trust. She was stepping out and trusting that as she let go of the old swing the new one would be there to catch a hold of. (For those interested, her particular area of trust was the decision to following Jesus.) I saw this and was instantaneously reminded of flying and the poem I had written about it. Letting go and soaring through the air, believing, or perhaps rather hoping, that in that step of faith one will not fall but rather reach something new, exciting and quite brilliant. I decided then that the two went too well together not to make the match. Many weeks have since passed but I eventually got round to emailing her and now, tonight, I unexpectedly found this in my virtual mailbox and feel it is finally time to share them both.

I think the timing might be perfect too. I was talking about hope last time, I do believe, and have some more things to say about that when I get a minute. Hope has been on my heart a while actually, in part due to this verse:

but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
Isaiah 40:31 NIV (link)

Hey, it even has running in there. Flying too! And walking, though I don't think I've analogised that yet... I will soon :-)

Do you want know an interesting thing about hope? A few of us were sharing thoughts about this passage one time and a lady who spoke Portuguese say that the verb actually meant trust as well. So I've been doing a bit of research and it turns out that in romance languages (as in those that descend from Latin, but we can talk about languages of love if you like the analogy!) this is indeed the case. The Latin root is sperare. For hope this becomes a transitive verb, which means you hope in a direct object - that is something specific that will happen. For trust it is intransitive, you Just Trust. Incidentally it can also mean waiting in both the transitive and intransitive sense...

So that hope we need to have for a brighter future - perhaps there is an element of non-specific trust? We imagine it as bright but the source of the brightness is unclear. When the details are not apparent, instead of being confused or impatient, Just Trust. This translation of the same verse actually uses trust instead:

But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.
They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
They will walk and not faint.
Isaiah 40:31 NLT (link)

To be fair though, I think the idea of hoping specifically in the LORD is basically the same thing as general trust, given how very unpredictable The Big Man can be! As for waiting being both particular and general: one thing I never do know is if I am waiting for what I think I am waiting for, so I reckon that might be quite apt!

Well. That was an interesting sidetrack, I hope you didn't get too bored! I'm not sure I have reached a particular conclusion mind, just thinking out loud. I've heard hope defined as "the joyful expectation of good things" and I like that. Good things: is that specific or vague? In my experience people tend to need particular desires to focus their heart on because we're not motivated to act by pure theory, indeed how can you act without a plan? That is what I take to mean "Imagine a Brighter Future" (see the Pants of Prophecy (link)) However, one never can be sure if what they put their hope into is the right thing and I suppose that is why it's good to stay pretty open minded too. Hmmmmm? Hope doesn't go just because our direct objects fail us. Those transient things may fade but the intransient will not.

I didn't do the poem yet did I! Here you go:

rigid
frigid
scared to be Explicit
loving
caring
just not too Daring
Wanting
Dreaming
but caught in reasoning
telling you to stay pristine
never breaking the routine
don’t need to be too Extreme

Deep down you’re Cool
Like “old school”
yet skins, they get tighter
What about the Radical?

it’s not that I despise you
I don’t want to divide you
But have you ever wondered what it would be like to Fly?

Funny. It absolutely doesn't seem to fit with the linguistical analysis of general hopeful waiting. Trust means we can relax and be confident of receiving good things but it also means we sometimes have to brace and leap and trust is that active place. It doesn't sound like waiting at all, and it doesn't sound non-specific. Is this another "both/and"?

Sometimes it's either choose to fly or choose to dangle on the old swing. If the momentum goes then we may never make it across to the other side. That's an analogy for being bold and courageous and not missing important opportunities - we were talking about that tonight incidentally, me and some friends. It seems everything everywhere is actually linked...

My heart at the moment is definitely inclined in the faith growing direction and I wonder how best to do that, faced with these two opposing choices. In some ways I reckon that trust, and also hope, can be a lot better demonstrated in the letting go rather than in the sitting and waiting in ambiguity. I've heard it said that faith is being sure of the things we hope for. How can I be sure unless I let go and have it proved to me?

Yet, well, I also think that as an impatiency-inclined, proactive person my trust is sometimes best exercised by not having or seeking the answers and being assured that that too is ok... In this case maybe I'm not even supposed to be up on the trapeze?

I reckon it depends both on character and specific situations and that there is no one strategy that can be applied. However, I think it is not really "both/and" and more just a case of "either/or". Do either this or that, but make the decision. How? I suppose that we Fly when we rise above our ground, base-instinct behaviour. Perhaps the approach is to examine each choice for what we would be inclined to do when we aren't really hoping or trusting... and then do the opposite... thus exceeding our mere humanity and soaring on wings like eagles.

No Pain, No Gain

2009-05-10T13:56:00.016+01:00

I just finished the 10k run in 1:09:08 and a wheelchair. I didn't stop running, I sang most of the way round, and all the time my ankle got worse and worse and worse. But until I crossed the finish line I was upright and smiling.

Soon after I was curled up on the floor cry my eyes out at the physical and emotional climax. It has been one hell of a week and, this done, all I have to look forward to is my French exam tomorrow morning...

You know what though, it's OK to cry.

The point of 'love running' is three-fold but always centred around love. Personal loving in an emotional/physical/spiritual way; community loving as we do it corporately, supporting each other and enjoy fun events together too; loving the world as we raise money for orphans (link), prostitutes (link) and the bereaved (link). When I was training the personal stuff was so true. In the release of the run I very often found myself thinking things through, realising stuff about me and/or God, finding more personal freedom. Physically too I am getting my fitness and figure back and that is quite welcome! In the pain of the training there was so much love and healing going on.

Yeah. There is healing in the pain... and that has been the main truth of this week for me and those around me. It feels like, through all the turmoil, wounds are being reopened and this time they are being closed neatly. It is like a broken bone that fused badly so the doctor has to re-break it. Then reset it. Hearts are being rebroken in my city... and then they will be made whole... and we need our hearts to be able to love.

I go to speech therapy because I've got nodules on my voice box. Me and my therapist tend to spend the whole time laughing and laughing and the best thing about it is - as she told me to my delight a few weeks ago - the way the larynx tilts in laughter releases the bad tension and brings healing. Healing in joy. This week was far more somber but you know what? I have never sung better. The larynx tilts the same way when you cry, don'tcha know, and I'd been doing that all morning. Pretty neat since I'd decided the day before that I want to sing and make music for people to dance (link) to.

I, we, are going to get better and when we have recovered there will be much joy and music and dancing. But right now the healing is still taking place. Some of us may be spiritual orphans that don't really feel cherished or loved by others, or perhaps emotional prostitutes that have no love for themselves. Still more of us are bereaved. Loss of a loved one is hard, even more so when there is no closure (link). We need to be mended.

But there is utter hope in what will come and I really believe that hurting now can be a part of the brighter future I was talking about, back before all this stuff hit the fan. In über Christian language, and please keep an open mind, this is what I mean:

"Let there be tears for what you have done. Let there be sorrow and deep grief. Let there be sadness instead of laughter, and gloom instead of joy. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up in honour." James 4:9-10

Now I don't think we suffer because we have "sinned". I think the world suffers because people have treated each other like crap. That is undeniable if you look at the case of a hit-and-run child killer. It is this corporate attitude against life that affects the innocent bystander. God does not dish out bad things, people do. But yet, in the humbling that comes when we are lying on the ground with snot running down our faces, there the hope lies:

"Then if my people who are called by my name will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sins and restore their land." 2 Chronicles 7:14

Again. I don't at all think we who suffer now are the specifically "wicked" ones, though no-one can deny imperfection and lack of love to fellow man. I think that everywhere people are living their lives as selfish individuals that don't understand what community is about. When this happens love is lost. When this happens in the extreme life is snatched away. Snatched from happy families, addicted sex-workers and whole nations.

But the reason there is hope is that I believe God will come and heal this land: as people are sorry for their apathetic (or worse) attitude, try to put it right and then love each other as much as they do themselves. Like the 300 of us that took to the streets of Bristol today and have TOGETHER raised £55,000 and counting. I myself only raised £555 (and counting) of that. It's just better together, when we stop being inward and realise that people are supposed to be parts of a bigger organism. If you don't believe me then look at the maths that says we all do better when we are altruistic. (I'll tell you about that another time...).

And this healing, as the voice analogy clearly proves, is in the tears. Cathartic crying that washes away the dirt. I would bring up the suffering of Jesus and the freedom and cleansing that brings but I don't want my ideas to seem exclusive, as I think this is objectively true about the world with or without Christianity (I just happen to also think we need the God bit to put theory into practice).

I bought a new pair of shoes on Tuesday that gave me blisters when I first wore them. That hurt a lot but these shoes are amazingly beautiful, and I totally need new brown ones, and they say "sole reviver" on the bottom.

I reckon that once they are broken in I will be able to wear them anywhere - my soles revived, injected with life, loving freely. The same will be true for my soul... and these shoes are the kind I can dance in!

Yet I cannot dance, or even step, again today. But that's OK. I did 10k and then when I'd given all I could I sat down and took the weight off. I don't have to step out again until I am able... or a worthy enough cause motivates me. In the recovery time someone else pushed the wheelchair; when I had to hobble along I was supported by dear friends on both sides all the way to a taxi; then, because at the last minute I was prompted/remembered to grab a tenner and stick it in my bra "in case I want to catch a taxi to the finish line!", I was able to get home and, though physically alone, I felt that God was with me and providing my transport. I may not have been moving under my own volition but I was moving forward and that is yet further support for living dependent, overlapping lives. Being strong for each other, loving each other, adding value to life for each other. Not only does brokenness come from an individualistic attitude but wholeness of life doesn't seem possible without community.

My friend's blog Good Grief (link) that I talked about the other day starts on the premise that the more we love the more we suffer. I think I would also suggest that, conversely, the more we suffer the more we love. Again, I try not to dwell on the Jesus example but I do think that somehow, just as grief cuts us open to allow healing in, suffering for others in the name of love allows it in to them too... and the ultimate suffering of Christ for humanity would imply ultimate freedom for us all. In a finite, but still pretty cool way, £55,000 will save many many lives and help bring wholeness to yet more... and that's worth a lot more than a sore foot.

I end on a poem. OK, it's in the bible but this is after all my natural language and it is consistent with the analogies:

⁵ What joy for those whose strength comes from the Lord,
who have set their minds on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem.
⁶ When they walk through the Valley of Weeping,
it will become a place of refreshing springs.
The autumn rains will clothe it with blessings.
⁷ They will continue to grow stronger,
and each of them will appear before God in Jerusalem.
Psalm 84

See, it fits. The weeping, the rain, the pilgrimage (which I can only imagine was long and painful and tough on the ole' feet, particularly without a pair of modern supporting shoes). Yet somehow the tears are refreshing and blessing and strengthening for the journey. Appearing before God in Jerusalem - that's the analogy for fullness of life. There is joy right at the start because of the hope at the end. Hence, though pain is the route taken it does not remain the focus or theme, it is not the goal and, actually, it brings with it the necessary strength to arrive at the final destination.

Love is Like a Magic Penny

2009-05-09T22:51:00.006+01:00

I was remembering this song earlier because it is just so spot on for how I feel about love and, well, doesn't it make a fabulous analogy? We used to sing it at primary school and thought it was just silly but I am struck these day by how beautiful the sentiment is:

Love is something if you give it away,
Give it away, give it away.
Love is something if you give it away,
You end up having more

It's just like a magic penny,
Hold it tight and you won't have any.
Lend it, spend it, and you'll have so many
They'll roll all over the floor.

For love is something if you give it away,
Give it away, give it away.
Love is something if you give it away,
You end up having more.

Money's dandy and we like to use it,
But love is better if you don't refuse it.
It's a treasure and you'll never lose it
Unless you lock up your door.

For love is something if you give it away,
Give it away, give it away.
Love is something if you give it away,
You end up having more.

So let's go dancing till the break of day,
And if there's a piper, we can pay.
For love is something if you give it away,
You end up having more.

For love is something if you give it away,
Give it away, give it away.
Love is something if you give it away,
You end up having more.

I'd never heard the other verses before, I really like them a lot and am particularly struck by the dancing analogy.

An afterthought:

Hmmmmm, actually, why not. I say this because I am both cheekily joking and deadly serious and because it seems to me to have come up quite naturally. I am only doing a quick post tonight because I have to get up early tomorrow and run 10 km for the sake of love (link). On a swollen ankle and with a slightly infected mega blister no less. I don't say this to moan or to brag. I say it because it is an analogy for sacrifice bringing freedom and if you read what I wrote at the link above it goes into more detail that I don't have time for tonight.

Love Running (link) is the name of the project. The pain of tomorrow is no patch on the suffering of African children, addicted prostitutes and grieving families. The cost of sponsorship is no patch on the difference only a small amount of money can make to those lives. It would stop being a metaphor if that magic penny found its way into my justgiving account before tomorrow morning - love would actually have increased in the world. This post did not start off intending to be a request for money but I just don't see why it shouldn't end as one. Freedom is the key to fullness of life, which is what I keep banging on about. I think giving away love would bring freedom to both you and thousands of others... how can I deprive anyone of that opportunity?

Good Grief

2009-05-08T00:34:00.007+01:00

Today has been the most painful day so far. God is really really good.

I have analogies to back this up but I also have a bed time to honour. So instead I will welcome the newest member of my online community and be really thankful for the fact that she too is joining in the fight against darkness.

This new blog, Good Grief (link), is my most recent analogy for the reality of hope (whilst also being a totally wonderful play on words). I don't think she will mind me explaining that the author is the same friend I mentioned yesterday as having just received an extra dose of tragedy to cope with.

Her attitude now is such a blessing to me, re-emphasising just when I really needed it that this hope is for everyone. Which is good since there isn't much point in being excited about it otherwise... This is what community is about - taking it in turns to support each other as we alternate between strong and weak.

I can't wait to read how someone else is approaching the question of light from their own perspective and language. I particularly like that it won't be a Christian blog actually... I think it'll be ace to see what universal truths are there under the semantics.

OW

2009-05-07T01:42:00.015+01:00

I know there is such a thing as blogging too much but I don't care, it is all I can do right now.

Last week on Monday Becca marveled at my cheer. I assured her that I did have the occasional half hour of despondency and she told me that, even so, if I ever actually needed her she would be there. She did not know what she was letting herself in for.

I don't think I have ever actually seen more pain ever in one place. We are not just talking Sam, though that sort of shadows the whole thing. Failed ambitions, broken hearts, lost dreams, yet more death. Everywhere I look. What is going on...?

When I started this blog it was Easter and I wrote about that day and the resurrection of Jesus as a symbol, or analogy, of hope in and potential for fullness of life. This is still true. Yet, well, show me the fullness...

I wasn't wrong to be hopeful like this but I did miss a vital part and that part is Good Friday. The day that represents death. The day of darkness. The day that reminds us of the things in this world that block freedom and life and, to me, shows the need for the substitution of Jesus.

I really really want it to be Sunday now, all the time, but I realise it isn't. Experience speaks for itself that all is not well. Some poeple would tell me I am living in a limiting mindset. I tell them to wait for what comes next if they don't believe me yet. Every day I wake up knowing that the day has something significant to bring and every day I go to bed and am hit by the sadness of what the day did bring. This afternoon I saw hope come to one girl as she dealt with her grief... only to hear a sudden death stole the life of her friend tonight. What is going on? I thought I had it bad. How are we to stand this?

Thing is, I do. I can stand it. I don't get it but I still fervently believe in the true love forever. I think I must be autistic. When love is imperfect our hope might be misplaced. When love is perfect then, by definition, it will not fail us.

If I had to pick a day of the week to be an analogy to life now I think it would be Saturday. Touched on both sides by the dark of Friday and the light of Sunday it is the both/and once more. Moving ever closer to the next day and farther from the one before, but not yet arrived... we have departed though, our destination is certain and it is at least the weekend.

So I sing. 'Dancing in the Moonlight' and 'Dance the Night Away' are pretty helpful. They are cheesy crap but I need that right now. It is Saturday night and the lights are down low. So DANCE. What else to do? I have more vehemency for life. I don't want to be bitter like Wolverine or Inigo Montoya. I have decided to be a musician, or at least actually try. Life is too short for wishful thinking and it seems the best way I know to bring joy. We need joy so so bad. And a soundtrack to dance to.

No, my hope is not stolen yet. Au contraire, it makes me all the more desperate to get away from Friday and see the dawn rising. I think we have to be ready to herald that dawn in and seek the rising sun and the casting away of the shadows. That is where the belief in the brighter future comes from even though we are still painfully aware of the things that happened yesterday.

I don't know how much more darkness will come and I desperately hope that I can stay joyful if it does. Literally anything could happen in the blink of an eye. The world as we know it is changing before our eyes.

Apparently, though, when Pandora opened that box and let evil out into the world, left in the bottom was hope. (No, I haven't confused my religion with ancient mythology.) Fragile though it was, it was there after all the bad stuff attacked.

Every generation sees shi*t happen and they didn't all see the end of the world come. I can't possibly speculate. I don't pretend to. But the phrase "the darkest hour is before the dawn" comes to mind. Time scales are of no consequence. I personally feel I can't cope with much more of this and still keep smiling most of the time but I could be wrong... we will bear what we will bear and the promises of what will come are very good and very real. People are tougher than they think. So what if I've got an injury and may not be able to race at the weekend; and my degree is falling apart before my eyes; and, well, I don't know what will sneak up on me next to try and steal my joy but it has all been having a pretty good go. However, if I can resist long enough it will stop and then the good will come... and it's not just true for me either. It is a little scary as to what may happen next, I admit. Better pray harder. In the end though, we go through hardships (link) now for a kingdom that will not fail or end. That's not just the Bible, it's the very nature of resistance and endurance training - ask any athlete.

Yes, we really still can see the brighter future. I once marveled to myself at how chirpy this blog had turned out and how much the world seemed to be telling me bright, joyful things. Now? I think it is telling me something quite different... but also that, in the valley, good things will come and how, though still dark, the dancing for joy isn't not true.

What joy for those whose strength comes from the Lord, who have set their minds on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem. When they walk through the Valley of Weeping, it will become a place of refreshing springs. The autumn rains will clothe it with blessings. They will continue to grow stronger, and each of them will appear before God in Jerusalem.
Psalm 84: 5-7 (link)

Becca and I watched The Princess Bride again tonight. Keeping the vision. Lol, watching our "Perfect Love" in the shape of Westley the Farm Boy more like:

I jest because I don't know what else to do. And because I can. Hey, this is my Jesus, my true love, and I will not "marry another while He lives"... and, well, he sure is perfect... :-P Before we did this we lay on top of my car and watched the night sky and wished upon some stars. Then, well, I thought it was funny - a bloke walked past and in a moment of brilliant quickness I looked up and said:

"This isn't your car is it?"

We laughed for like 5 minutes.

Right here right now OW is a pretty good summary. But then so is WOW. Both/And. The best part is: the bad is fleeting and the good is not. This is why joy has, thus far, survived.

Sorry to be so intense, life just is right now. I wonder if it will ever not be...

Love Cadette

2009-05-06T17:36:00.002+01:00

A post to share the sermon I recommended that was preached on Sunday:

http://www.woodlandschurch.net/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=226&Itemid=119

It's the most recent one called "Vision for Growth" by Dave Mitchell. That was the intended topic of that morning see. It is also, in a very real way, a part of what happens off the back of the accident. As I talked about being a Wolverine yesterday, with passion from devastation to fight evil, I could see that increased vision for the advancement of the Kingdom/fullness of life/good things/perfection/true love. It kicked it home.

But the thing that is most important is the LOVE. Fighting dark with light, evil with good, wrong with right. That is a clear message of the sermon. Not surrendering, as Wolverine was at risk of doing, to being driven by bitterness and a lust for revenge.

We had nickname doing kids work on Saturday because they couldn't have their real name displayed in public (a protection again the sad fact of the dark things of world). We had bandannas which we customised and mine said "Love Cadette". I must remember this, when we go forth. It isn't about revenge but redemption.

One interesting point I just want to highlight (for those that don't listen to it) from the sermon was the question of why. In John 9 it looks like Jesus may give an answer as to why bad things happen:

"Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus.

Simple enough, good clarifier. The next bit Dave explains as having no grammar in the original Hebrew and so I write it without:

"but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life as long as it is day we must do the work of him who sent me night is coming when no one can work while I am in the world I am the light of the world"

Looking at the version of punctuation in the link it may suggest that this happened to display the work of God. That don't sound like my God. The suggestion then is perhaps rather:

"but this happened. So that the work of God might be displayed in his life as long as it is day we must do the work of him who sent me..."

It just happened. We haven't the answer but it is time to get on with the work to display God, that is, display love (link). Get on with bringing the light before it is too late.

"night is coming when no one can work while I am in the world I am the light of the world"

It's the classic "life is too short." While we still can there is light, love, to be brought. You don't have to be sent by God to see that need. You don't have to be told by Jesus that time is running out.

What is your source of light and are you lighting the world? It's all about being a love cadette, not an angry ambitious wolfman gone awol. Nor a circus freak that runs away from confrontation and hides in a tent, playing with lightbulbs and earning the odd dollar from his gift (that one is a more obscure reference... you will need to have seen the film!) - he didn't win his battle when the time came and Wolverine missed the point in the end.

X-Men Origins and Divine DJing

2009-05-06T00:16:00.009+01:00

I went to see this tonight. It don't know how good it was. It think it might have been very bad but I was so busy being analogised that I didn't care.

In short: there is a whole lot of evil out there that needs fighting.

Other things that happened to me today were - God took me shopping and bought me a new prophetic T-shirt. It says:

TRUE LOVE FOREVER

Amen to that.

I am aware of late just How Much more there is than this life. I don't think I care anymore about what is going to happen to me, I just want to have metal bound to my skeleton so I am strong enough to fight the baddies. You have to be riled up to feel like this and I reckon I have been by all the tragedy. No matter how much it hurts - the liberation of thousands of caged, abused, helpless victims is what matters. I think sometimes the shit has to hit the fan to really see this. The trappings have to be stripped away. The security in the fleeting things let go.

It is good. When we have a total eclipse of the heart (link) we realise that forever just has to start tonight. The harsh truth that things are falling apart stands but there is still love in the dark and, with the help of some fortified mutation, there are a whole load of captives needing to be released all the more urgently now.

Jesus was my DJ all the way home, see. Another of the many pertinent tracks that came up random on my ipod was "The Man in Black" by Johnny Cash himself. He was kinda pissed at the way of things too.

This is my verse in particular:

"Ah, I'd love to wear a rainbow every day,
And tell the world that everything's OK,
But I'll try to carry off a little darkness on my back,
'Til things are brighter, I'm the Man In Black."

I don't know if things are bright enough yet for a rainbow. "'Til we start to make a move to make a few things right"... are we doing that enough? Clearly no.

But Wolverine was a pretty angry man. I don't want my passion at loss to turn me black. I think, all this said, it is still rainbow time now. After all, if we gotta imagine that brighter future (link) then I suppose we gotta wear the rainbow to show we believe.

If you wanna see the rainbow you gotta put up with the rain. One more prophecy from Johnny... Yesterday, whilst praying for rain to stop, this track (link) popped up (straight after this one (link) actually!). At the end a monologue that linked to the next song about cotton pickin' played. This is what it said:

"My mother always said if you look for it, if you’re committed to the Lord, that there’s a blessing that will always come in times of adversity. Well I couldn’t see it, you know, a blessing in that flood that run us out of our home for two weeks... but we came back from the hills and the blessing was there alright. The land was covered with rich black river dirt… and Daddy planted the cotton crop… and the cotton grew taller that next year than ever before. And everything good happened at pickin’ time if anything good was gonna happen. And that year we had a great pickin’ time."

Sometimes my stupid hope gets me into trouble, when I just can't help using it for the irrelevant stuff. But I reckon with all the rain that's been falling lately I might just need it to keep a hold of this significant promise of blessed white fields to come.

Turn around bright eyes. Head to higher ground. Forever, true love, starts tonight. We're just a step from heaven (link). There may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning (link) and, though we're soaking through and through, He's handing us a towel (link). Hope. Sometimes it's all we got. I think it might be all the more important now.

Tomorrow I will wear some rainbows, whether I feel like it or not. And the new T-shirt, of course - it's all about the True Love... 'cause it lasts Forever.

The Princess Bride

2009-05-04T23:49:00.007+01:00

I don't know if I am blogging too much at the moment but I am thinking a lot and it is sure a helpful way of processing. I realise that we all speak different languages and that I myself use evangelical Christian lingo loads (and still feel a bit wierd about it a lot of the time). I do try and interchange that to semi-explain but today I want to define stuff at the start so I don't have to keep caveating. One phrase I tend to use is 'fullness of life' because I think it is self-explanatory and we can all relate to it without the need for translation. It is a general notion that I have often mixed up with "The Kingdom of God" or "The Kingdom of Heaven" (same thing as each other) but this is actually a far more specific concept (it also means fullness but has a particular method for achievement) that I found myself referring to in part in my last post and which may well have been quite confusing for readers that aren't au fait with the details of my faith.

So let me elucidate through the medium of one of the greatest films ever made.

The theme of the church being the bride of Christ has come up a few times recently on AT! so when I decided to watch this film tonight I sort of had an inkling it might make an interesting analogy! Gosh, I know, contrived. Yet I have been really wanting to watch it again for ages now and kept looking out for it every time I go past DVDs for sale; then today a serious of uncoordinated events lead me to a friend's house who had watch it the day before and I realised that now was my chance! We used to watch it in DT at Christmas... who'd have thought I would see Jesus in it 11 years later...!

I don't want to ruin the plot, though really can anyone not have seen this legend of a film...? I suppose I can't assume. Like Jesus, some fools are still missing out :-P Jokes! Basically it a story with the central theme of True Love. Evil is personified incredibly well by the lying cowardly selfish prince and there is an initially-underdog hero with a hidden identity. A posy of inept but well-intending and diverse companions represent the church!

You may think that this film is about Jesus coming to earth, fighting for love and, given he dies and is resurrected at one point, we then see the Easter story. It could be about that I suppose but actually, as I eluded to before, this is not the complete story of Jesus according to the Christian faith.

You see, this hero actually dies twice in the story. At the start he leaves but promises to return for his true love, so when the news of his death arrives it destroys her ability to ever love again. Her life is in effect then sold to the evil prince and she doesn't know any kind of joy at all. Then he turns up again out of the blue, rescues her from the foolish yet deadly kidnappers (even though it was "inconceivable") and they are free to fight for her freedom (spot the paradox) from her betrothal to the head baddie. THIS is where "The Kingdom" is now. Post return from the dead by the unexpected saviour and love of her life, they are suddenly alive again together - him in body, her in heart - and ready to take the victory. The power of that love means that they will succeed. Yet they are not out of the danger zone and still have to get through the "fire swamp", be hunted down by the prince, and then, after a little bit of death, storm the palace, kill some major enemies and suffer much injury. Indeed, they are actually separated for a time during which she has seemingly returned to her fate and can only hope for him to once more come back for her.

While he is away is when he dies the second time. Except, actually, he doesn't die at all. Even when they go for the "miracle" the witchdoctor says he is only mostly dead and that is not what we believe about the cross At All. But it might be what we believe about Christianity at times.

You see, the Kingdom was established when he came back the first time. Back from the dead that is (we are talking about Jesus now by the way, not the farmboy-turned-fighter). That was when her heart was reawaken, that was when she (the princess bride - both her and the church) gained her faith in him so that, when she lost sight of him again, she knew it wasn't forever and believed in the return. He (Westley) said to her (Buttercup):

W: "Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while."

B: "I will never doubt again."

W: "There will never be a need."

Awwwwwww.

She did doubt mind. He came back at such a last minute, when she had (mistakenly) thought it was too late, that she was about to kill herself in despair. He would never have let her though.

We Christians often doubt, despite the reassurances that there is no need. We live with this love in our hearts but it can wane and when the evil baddies of the world are trying to woo us, whilst secretly plotting behind our backs to strangle us on our wedding night, it can feel a lot like that love isn't coming back. Sometimes we even entertain the idea of "marrying another" but this love, this perfect love, really cannot be tracked down by a thousand blood hounds or broken... no way no how (I can't remember the whole quote).

In the time they are reunited he rescues her from a pit. Soon after, when she is afraid and says "We'll never succeed. We may as well die here", he says "No, no. We have already succeeded." There is this whole time that goes by of knowing that love is alive and they are already victorious and then having to wait for it to arrive. That is what I meant yesterday when I said NOW and NOT YET. They have still got stuff to fight and, as I am all too aware, losses to bear, but the love is alive and in that there is all the potential for joy in the world and an ever increasing experience of it, as we become more and more full and free in life... closer and closer to him coming back and deafeating the enemy once and for all.

So that is what "The Kingdom" is. It is the living love in our hearts that is exploding outwards as we approach the day of completion. I do believe we have the Key to the Kingdom in our hands/hearts but I also believe that the King has not yet taken control. He was crowned on the cross, the coronation at the crucifixion, but he is waiting a while before he fully takes up the position. The wait seems so painful but He does it out of love because if there was no wait we'd have no chance to choose Him. He leaves the gates open to let people in but as long as they are open bad stuff can get in too... That's why it is another both/and situation and so confusing and also frustrating at times. It - that is the love, the Kingdom - becomes more pervasive though, I think it advances as the plot climaxes. This happens as the unlikely but lovable drunk, socially rejected, foolish, bitter companions come alongside the now unmasked hero, who they realise they both need and love, and unite together with him even though they tried to kill him near the start. They really hope and do their best, he is brilliant, the princess marries her saviour and their love is finally made complete. The couple have the most passionate, the most pure kiss since kissing was invented and then they ride off into the distance on white horses, to the Happy Ever After.

All this and narrated by Columbo too. If heaven is half as good then you know it will be a pretty special place!

A Death and a Wedding

2009-05-03T12:34:00.008+01:00

When Sam, aged 12, died on Friday night I really didn't think this blog would be an appropriate forum to discuss it in. Well at first I didn't so much think at all, it was mostly an emotion of deep sadness. As the waves of grief wash over a person the internal processing is also tidal, and when I did get round to reasoning about it, particularly in the context of my world view, I didn't know how I could possibly reconcile my (still existing) hope and love of life with public expression or enthusiasm. There is distaste and then there is betrayal of dear friends in their terrible loss.

I made two mistakes. The first was an air of flippancy about joy as I blogged before. The second was to think that I must not be joyful now.

On Friday morning I felt like I wanted wanted to write a clarifier in response to my enthusiasm about dancing (link). Since Friday night I have had the fuel for this clarifier but it literally grieves me as to what it took to help me understand.

I find a useful model for experiencing the ups and downs of life in both the Bible and ancient philosophy. 1 Corinthians 4 (link) talks about a church that grieves together and rejoices together whilst Plato (link) too describes this when outlining a "city with the best constitution". We need to be respectful of one another when we see what we are going through but, more than that, community is about truly sharing in each others's lives. This morning at church we grieved corporately. I saw mourning parents, spoke with them, hugged them, cried a little too. It was really real and it was terribly sad and there are no answers.

And I don't think we are supposed to have them. We believe in a God that raises people from the dead but we live in a world where people do die and stay dead. The knowledge that Sam knew Jesus is a huge comfort to those of us who believe that means he is is heaven, but it doesn't stop the tragedy of a young life coming to an end; and expecting good things to be brought from this does not justify the loss. I think perhaps there are sometimes more questions as a Christian than not, because we believe that God knows what will happen and has power over everything. The need to let go and remember our humanity is difficult in the promise that we have the authority of Christ living in us.

So there is Both denial And acceptance of this death. And this is the first of many BOTH/ANDs. God is good... and bad things happen. We are free and empowered to live life in fullness... and life gets taken away. We should be glad for what is out there... and there are nasty things out there trying to get in. Continuing to believe in the best things... and seeing the worst happen. Knowing that Jesus said fullness of life is right here right now if we choose to live in it... but also knowing that He said He's going to one day come back and bring it with Him.

That last one in particular... it fits with my adamancy of late that we have the complete potential to be totally whole and free and living life in all it's fullness, yet with this happening as a sudden stark reminder of the final chapter to come in the story. It is NOW and NOT YET. How can this even be the case?

But it is the case. And as we mourn and are genuinely sad I have also had tons of laughter in the past 24 hours. I was at times so hopeful for what will come from this that I felt guilty... until I randomly met with my pastor in the street at just the right time, had some great sound advice from friends, re-remembered how to cry, then heard a sermon that reminded me I am only finite in my capacity to feel and that people can be both JOYFUL and GRIEVING simultaneously. I saw smiles and laughter at church, even through the tears of his parents. It was only a moment but everywhere and in every way we and life are both/and. [I highly recommend the sermon actually and will put a link up just as soon as it is online. It isn't overt-God, just really helpful ideas about expressing the truth that joy and hope and love is not wrong in the face of this, but that the pain is still real.]

Studying maths I have learned that many things are beyond understanding. If backed into a corner, even the most brilliant of theorists will have to admit that the very foundations of maths are unproven, circular and paradoxical. That is a nightmare and because of it we mathematicians live behind a veil of ignorance (wow I would not be popular in my department if they knew I said that!). The same impossibility applies here. Stuff happens that the actual processes of logic we use to function can't grasp. Life (and counting) does seem to work and go on but the why is totally incomprehensible and that is the point of trust.

One of the problems with the maths is the realm of the infinite. Things just change when we deal with numbers that aren't tangible. There is no more "logic". Sam's death is simply wrong on our finite human scale. When we factor in eternity it doesn't stop our human reasoning from being in pain because we are still human, but it does mean that somehow something is different... even if we are unable to fully grasp it. His six year old brother serenely drew a picture of him going off in a balloon from the rest of the family to a happy place. Kids that age don't have a grasp of the impact of "forever" apparently. I think maybe we are ones the that don't have the grasp. Who knows, perhaps that is the childlike faith we are told to believe in.

It was a steal, not a plan. But in the long, actual long, run, in a way we don't yet get, it is still fullness of life. Not the kind of death (link) that I wrote of before, so we don't mourn like those without hope (link). But we do mourn for now. Yet not too.

To carry on we must remember it is both/and. The sadness of death is true but so is the joy of life and, since the size (or cardinality for a mathematician) of the life far exceeds the size of the death, the net result is still good. In theory at least.

The wedding celebrated in our church on Saturday reminds us of this joy. A wedding, like the one Jesus gives (as mentioned a couple of posts ago (link)) as an analogy for the union of us with Him when He returns for good. The picture of perfect love, intimacy and joyful celebration for ever. We are still to hope for that and remember that it is coming in entirety one day...

Another thing we did yesterday was take part in a social action project, blessing the very community (I actually drove past the spot) in which the hit and run took place. Sharing love potentially, and definitely symbolically, with the drunk driver responsible. I was group leading with some children that day who are Sam's age and younger. They can't help but be joyful it seems. As we were driving along they started shouting excitedly out the window and, after a conversation about sensitivity to different people's beliefs, the little girl next to me began calling:

"Welcome to the future!"

When we got to lunch, for some unknown (possibly unknowable?!) reason there was a camp man playing a white custom-made fancy electric organ (with "Byron Jones The Welsh Wizard" written on the front) there, practising for a hymn concert that evening. Amidst the tunes he suddenly blasted out "Dancing Queen" and we all had a sing-a-long.

It IS the future, it IS dancing... and it is still a little bit now and sometimes crap with a capital 'C' too.

Fullness of life isn't always about merriment. My enthusiasm before was concerned with counteracting apathy and cynicism, not about grief in the things that genuinely demonstrate a lack of life. Yet the constant, all-pervading, joy is still a valid notion when considered in relation to the future hope; it just doesn't always look like dancing. (Though it still can do too.) Bitter-sweet.

The Bible says that the Kingdom of God (Christian lingo for total fullness of life (a necessary tautology I now realise)) belongs to those such as the children. It also says that death has lost its sting. We do still feel the bitter puncture wound right here right now but in heaven today, and forever more, Sam is dancing (well most probably playing football actually)... and he is gonna get better and better at it for ever and ever. That is just sweet.

No analogy befits this

2009-05-02T23:24:00.005+01:00

God is still good.

Everything I've said about joy and life and hope and possibility still stand. I don't deny them for a minute. However, today I will not chirp with excitement because it is one of those rare times to mourn.

I also don't deny that there can still be these things in a place of grief. But they are not to be bandied about or paraded insensitively since the horrific loss of a young life to a drunk driver occurred in my close community last night.

He nearly got hit by a car that morning and told his mum he would never forget the day he almost died. They had a long conversation about heaven that day because of it, about how great it would be. Then that evening, leaving kids club, standing on the pavement in a crowd of friends, he was gone.

From carefree playing to eternity with Jesus in an instant. It's that close. There are questions we cannot answer and neither have we the right to understand.

We do know that good things will come... but right now we mourn.

1 Thessalonians 4: 13-18
¹³ And now, dear brothers and sisters, we want you to know what will happen to the believers who have died so you will not grieve like people who have no hope. ¹⁴ For since we believe that Jesus died and was raised to life again, we also believe that when Jesus returns, God will bring back with him the believers who have died.

¹⁵ We tell you this directly from the Lord: We who are still living when the Lord returns will not meet him ahead of those who have died. ¹⁶ For the Lord himself will come down from heaven with a commanding shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trumpet call of God. First, the Christians who have died will rise from their graves. ¹⁷ Then, together with them, we who are still alive and remain on the earth will be caught up in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. Then we will be with the Lord forever. ¹⁸ So encourage each other with these words.

Joyce, Jesus and noughties Gospel music

2009-05-01T14:08:00.011+01:00

A brilliant comment on my last entry compels me to respond:

"As far as living life in all its fullness goes, I'm leaving you some Joyce on Jesus: "He was a bachelor, and never lived with a woman. Surely living with a woman is one of the most difficult things a man has to do, and he never did it."

At first I just thought you'd think it was funny. I love how, even though he's (at most) half-serious, it tells you v little about Jesus but loads about Joyce's relationship with his own long-term partner: the implicit tolerance, sense of duty, and ultimately the love that makes you stick it out. That kind of intimacy is so crucial to being human, it seems like a life without it would have such a hole in it. Ah, I get the 'marriage is an analogy of Jesus and his Church' thing, but I bet Jesus never had to pick the Church's suspenders off the floor for the nth time in a row, and bite his lip to keep from saying anything, as if he did, it would deliberately flirt with St. Peter to try and piss him off. "

I couldn't fit what I had to say in a reply and so I post!

The analogies in play here are Jesus to humankind and how his marriage to the church (that is all Christians, not a pile of bricks) is actually an insufficient relationship experience.

The point is the necessity of intimacy for a fulfilled life.

When I make plans for my future, which I mostly do for fun given how often they seem to change, I keep one element open. Nothing I dream of requires or denies a partner and kids. This is so I don't get disappointed - but that is not sad like one friend thought I meant! Equal to growing old alone, if I makes plans that have me traveling the world on some crazy-cool lives-changing mission and then someone comes along and messes them up, I don't want to begrudge the brilliant low key local community life God may have planned for us. Whatever happens though, one thing I don't think is that I will need human intimacy to be complete.

Yet my reader is not wrong that we crave intimacy. Indeed, I think she may be spot on in identifying it as the crux of humanity.

Jesus is not just Becca's analogy, He is also God's analogy. God used Jesus to show us what humanity is supposed to look like. Does that mean God says we are all to be alone then? Not at all. A single ancient Jewish bloke in his early 30's (not least one that is so perfect!) isn't a very relatable character for many folk at all. The key is to pick up on the theme that the analogy is promoting (like my prophetic underwear - the theme is not that life is pants!). The theme of Jesus's life was His intimacy with God - sharing the same vision (of peace, love and joy) and staying in constant touch (through prayer that is). That is what we are supposed to get from the example.

Which makes sense because, as rightly observed, people crave intimacy. But maybe they got that from a desire to be closer to God that comes from when we hung out together in the garden? As also quite rightly observed, a lot of us do find this in human relationships... but people can totally let us down (which isn't a fulfilling feeling at all) and even if not, that description of compromise and tolerance of an other's flaws doesn't sound perfect to me. All the different relationships available to us are, in my mind, analogies to help understand God better. The marriage one demonstrates an intensity of love and an exclusive intimacy that we can't get elsewhere. Sex, well, that's a whole other post but I think it is a powerful example of that in action (literally), which is why we need to be careful how we use it. Don't get me started on the dangers of cultural sexulisation though...!

As for this notion of the church leaving it's suspenders on the floor - dirty laundry all over the shop. The appropriateness of that analogy saddens me: how right you are that we take the piss all the time out of our perfect "husband"; we aren't Jesus's fulfillment and all too readily we will flirt with St. Peter. When he walked the earth too Jesus didn't get the intimacy that he needed from his followers - Judas betraying him, Peter denied him, Thomas doubted him and absolutely no-one understood him. By the end of his life Jesus was entirely alone and then, on the cross, even God left him. At that point there was no fullness of life. Not because he wasn't married though, but because the intimacy he had with God that gave him wholeness was gone. Totally alone, the moment before he died, crying out that he had been forsaken by God.

Becca, you're not wrong that Jesus didn't have fullness of life... but it was not 'cause he wasn't married. He showed us it was possible, told us to believe in it, then experienced the absence of it at an intensity no man ever has. Totally void and alone, the pain of the crucifixion was far harsher even than the accumulation of his friends rejection, public taunts, hatred, injustice, scorn, whip lashings, sleep deprivation, cross dragging, thorn wearing, nail piercing, tendons tearing, nerves stabbing, giddy bloody and drawn-out suspension process. Jesus, on the inside, was dead to life in the holistic experience sense and it was because he didn't have intimacy.

For me this is both the how and the why I now want to live life in all it's fullness. I can because what Jesus did on the cross actually changes everything for ever, enabling freedom even when it seems impossible (I didn't mean to get this preachy already and that is yet another topic... but if anyone wants to know then ask, do do ask); I want to because, well, it would be both foolish and wrong to knock that back, given how much it costs and how freely it was given. Jesus suffered for the hope of future joy and right here right now is the future! The time for mourning is passed (he rose from the dead don'tcha know!) because death is dead, life is alive and he took the shackles off our feet so we could dance!

I appreciate that the bible telling you to always be joyful may not be relevant to everyone (though if the bible is relevant to you then harken at that) but an unrestricted life should be. The world is analogising it all the time - this freedom is in the smell of spring and the colour of a kitchen. The universe points out the true way to life and all I know that that it pointed me to Jesus. If you got a better way tell me, if you got a worse way look for a better one.

Freedom from death in every sense and perfect intimacy - is there anyone that doesn't want it this good? Perhaps you're stumped by "too good to be true"? I say it again: life only makes sense if it is alive and death surviving is an oxymoron. Truth is a part of this wonderful life and lies are what destroy so, actually, since the better something is the more "alive" it is, we can thus imply without contradiction the truer it is! Thus the most brilliant things are also the most true. ERGO: eternal (in both the time and quality sense) life right here right now just IS!

"Everything for ever, nothing never."

DEATH the sequal: Jive for Joy

2009-04-30T16:42:00.015+01:00

This is a response to what I wrote two weeks ago about DEATH. It is quite a long response, I warn you now, but there are lots of fabulous analogies with a few pics too... and I do actually have a point. The crux of which can be summed up in this bible verse:

The young women will dance for joy,
and the men—old and young—will join in the celebration.
I will turn their mourning into joy.
I will comfort them and exchange their sorrow for rejoicing.

I still wanna expand though. Partly because explaining the long way is my favourite and partly because I really like the story.

The last time I wrote about this I was sad that my dog Wendy had met an untimely end:
If you recall, she had turned vicious (would you believe it from the picture?) and had to be put down :-( I was angry and upset at the waste of life that it symbolised. It was strange, that night I mourned in a way I had not expected, at an intensity I'm not sure a dog deserves... and it felt like God was analogising my pain to His. I don't want to be flippant but I was incredibly aware, to some obviously limited degree, of all the terrible things in the world that He sees as a waste of life.

The next day I was very sad. The weather was too - very dark, rainy, heavy and just generally nasty. I was battling this depressive mood and I just didn't understand how any of the trivially good things in this life that made God glad were a patch on all the darkness. You see, a day or two before I had this image of God smiling on us through a ray of sunshine... but what was one ray of sunshine in all the storm? This weather analogy was reinforced by the art show I had seen the previous day (as I left my very bad exam and was reminded of the important things in the world). It is called the Hard Rain Project and is a photo collection of images that were taken to accompany a song by Bob Dylan. Very powerful. It was printed on weather proof plastic and displayed open air (if you are in Bristol and reading this then tomorrow (Fri 1st May) is the last day and you can find it in the uni royal fort gardens - well worth it). The project calls the song prophetic and, since the artist managed to take tons of images from around the world that very clearly illustrate the lyrics, it is hard not to agree.

"Where the hunger is ugly where souls are forgotten"

How is God not always crying?

Yet as I was in this place he pointed me towards one of my more ridiculous analogies. I rediscovered these in a drawer shortly after I became a Christian and was so delighted by the way I thought they had "prophecied over my life" that I framed them and put them up in my toilet. I call them the 'Pants of Power':

For those that can't see the writing, they say "imagine a brighter future" and there is a picture of a rainbow too!

This day of mourning I suddenly felt like I was being told to once more imagine this brighter future, not just for me but for everything dark. What is with that? Everything is so sad, so utterly sad. Yet, well, two things. Firstly: a rainbow comes when sun shines through clouds and if I think God is sun and there are all these stormy clouds then the result should be that bright rainbow, right? Secondly: well, the bible promises a hope and a future (and rainbows symbolise promises) and it also says that all things are possible if we believe. So, what, imagine it and it can happen?!? OK, granted, the God stuff is less compelling if you ain't a Christian but who doesn't want the crap in this world to be improved? And the notion of belief making things better, well, positive thinking is touted all the time as a means to improve circumstance - this is just that to the nth degree.

Still. I wasn't at all sure how to do this. I was still sad for one... and it still rained. I went out to a jazz bar that night with some good friends and it was OK. Sort of. Nice to be with people that cared anyway. Then towards the end I decided I had to dance the last couple of songs, even though I felt blah. So I stepped out onto the floor... and the song, would you believe it, was "It's the end of the world as we know it" (they were one of those funky country style bands that do amazing remixes). Then the last one was a fabulous mashup of "Seven Nation Army" with "Livin' La Vida Loca". So: this broken world is gonna be different, nothing can stop it, living life in all it's fullness!

It was like I claimed that on the dance floor. I still felt like Shi*t but I said yes to it. I suppose, really, I chose life. I imagined. And then what happened...?

The next day I went to a dance event. Not a pokey bar but an actual, very fabulous, jive night just down the track in Exeter. I got on the train (as opposed to missing it!) and as I traveled further south the sun came through the clouds and I knew everything was gonna be OK. And it was. I caught up with one good friend in the day and then introduced her to another good friend that night and we both made a load more friends! The whole weekend was just great but the dancing, oh boy was the dancing somin' else.

I love to dance and hadn't had the chance to in a while so when the (most excellent) band played for the freestyle set I really just had to go for it. It truly was dancing for joy. Not just with joy but actually for it. Claiming it, walking in it, twirling in it... choosing it with every part of my body. The moment they played "Shine" (with the genius incorporation of (if I remember correctly...?) "Hey Jude" - sad song, make it better?!) I knew that the brighter future was not just possible but, in that moment, it was there. Call it heaven, perfection, life, fullness, joy, happiness, eudaimonia (if you're poncy or an ancient Greek), bliss or the Kingdom of God... It was there in me. Hurrah!

And I think that actually "jiving for joy", or rather "living for joy", might just be what this is all about. I don't mean that it's never gonna be hard, or that we aren't on occasion in a time to grieve rather than dance, but in general we should not be at a place of mourning. The world is not dead yet. We ourselves are not dead yet. There is a hope for us all to escape a mediocre life and, if we imagine hard enough, for them out there to escape their proper actual suffering too. Everything, literally everything, can be changed for the better. So bring on the joy and let's get optimistic!

Since then it has more or less sun-shined non-stop. I have felt pretty chirpy these past two weeks too and it's the kind that don't get beaten by fluctuating dissertations or foxes. I think it might be His plan and it certainly feels like what life is supposed to be... but more on that another time because this is actually only half the post I was gonna write and it's already pretty long. The next installment is about what this brighter future, or "heaven on earth" looks like. It takes the form of a carrot at one point and, handily, there is also a formula for making it happen.

Oooh, just one more thing though. I recall something I said that Thursday night (before the sadness hit) about what I thought heaven would be like. It was one of those jokey this-is-what-I-like-now-so-I think-it's-that-all-the-time convos and I said that for me it would be dancing... Then the next two days with their little revelations happened... Then, as I got the bus home from the train station on Sunday in Brizzle, I got chatting to some girl and jiving came up. Randomly she goes every week and told me about her class on Monday nights! So I got home, saw Becca (my friend with whom I tried jiving (also in Exeter, I haven't analogised the dancing in Devon yet but it is curious!) two months ago and have since wanted to find a class together) almost straight away, and now we're excited to go just as soon as we can...!

So, well, if heaven is dancing then it seems I should be getting on with it asap. More generally, if life is about having heaven (or "heaven") now and dancing means joy, then maybe everyone should be getting on with it. After all, I think that living life in all its fullness might just be the point. Incidentally so did Jesus, but that's another story...

P.S. I'm not saying just switch on joy but rather to decide to actively look for it and then, if you find it, choose it. God helps if you've got Him. If not, well, you tell me...?!

Spring is Here!

2009-04-29T18:34:00.008+01:00

Phew! I'm allowing myself half an hour to vent amidst the craziness of writing a dissertation-type-thing in four days (2 to go)... this post is about sex.

Not actual sex, obviously. But something in that vague arena...

I have been going on and on to everyone I meet about how fabulous spring is because it symbolises newness of life. I even quoted Song of Songs on here as a demonstration of Jesus-love. Both these things are true, of course, but the fact is spring is mostly about procreation and Song of Songs is mostly about people getting it on.

I read a blog to this effect (you know who you are!) on Easter day, sharing just why the reason for the season was makin' babies and, well, frankly I was on a higher plane. Then.

But today I suddenly got reminded of what "spring" feels like. Lol. You can tell I'm under the influence of pressure-mentalness because I'm saying shocking things in an open forum that my folks read! Of course I'm only talking about eye contact with a "boy" in the supermarket... I was just totally surprised by the way I noticed someone attractive in public. I don't remember the last time that happen, I even remarked upon it to a friend last week who entirely didn't believe me. I'd forgotten what it felt like to pass a stranger and nod with internal appreciation. For fear of sounding holier-than-thou, I don't think I approve of all that jazz so I reckon this might just be the result of a conscious decision I made ages ago about valuing inner beauty. But today I was taken unawares and, realising that eye contact was made, became the Supermarket Slut I thought I was no longer! Yes, there was a second, reciprocated, glance... yes, I entertained the idea that since we both wore glasses and liked the same vegetables we were probably made for each other... yes, it turned out he had a girlfriend. See. There, right there, is the reminder as to why this is a foolish game: because when we play it we feel a bit foolish! It was available to me, I tried it, it didn't feel good.

The analogy? Well, spring it seems is a dangerous time to indulge in boy-shopping... particularly when there are dissertation-type-things crying out to be avoided. Last week I helped make mashed potatoes for around 40 people and when we discuss about how to season it the notion of mustard was mentioned... but sadly 40 is quite a large number of people to chance them all liking mustard and so we didn't. Today I made mash for one and I still forgot about mustard! Luckily though I remembered towards the end and totally appreciated dijon on the side... but it was a close call (and a bit past its use by date!). It's all about appreciating the benefits of where you are at (relations, locations, vocations... the analogy is flexible as long as it rhymes). Cooking for one? Do it your way. Cooking for 40? SLUT.

Well. I'm already missing out on spring 'cause where I'm at is my final-ever-(I hope!)-month-of-undergraduate-study and if I'm not careful I'll end up missing out on my degree as well... So see ya!

Love

2009-04-27T12:17:00.004+01:00

Reading Plato's Symposium, a conversation of Socrates, I found this speech by a dude called Agathon:

"[H]ad Love been in those days, there would have been no chaining or mutilation of the gods, or other violence, but peace and sweetness, as there is now in heaven, since the rule of Love began.

Love is young and also tender; he ought to have a poet like Homer to describe his tenderness, as Homer says of Ate, that she is a goddess and tender:

Her feet are tender, for she sets her steps,
Not on the ground but on the heads of men: herein is an excellent proof of her tenderness that,-she walks not upon the hard but upon the soft.

Let us adduce a similar proof of the tenderness of Love; for he walks not upon the earth, nor yet upon skulls of men, which are not so very soft, but in the hearts and souls of both god, and men, which are of all things the softest: in them he walks and dwells and makes his home. Not in every soul without exception, for Where there is hardness he departs, where there is softness there he dwells; and nestling always with his feet and in all manner of ways in the softest of soft places, how can he be other than the softest of all things? Of a truth he is the tenderest as well as the youngest, and also he is of flexile form; for if he were hard and without flexure he could not enfold all things, or wind his way into and out of every soul of man undiscovered. And a proof of his flexibility and symmetry of form is his grace, which is universally admitted to be in an especial manner the attribute of Love; ungrace and love are always at war with one another. The fairness of his complexion is revealed by his habitation among the flowers; for he dwells not amid bloomless or fading beauties, whether of body or soul or aught else, but in the place of flowers and scents, there he sits and abides. Concerning the beauty of the god I have said enough; and yet there remains much more which I might say. Of his virtue I have now to speak: his greatest glory is that he can neither do nor suffer wrong to or from any god or any man; for he suffers not by force if he suffers; force comes not near him, neither when he acts does he act by force. For all men in all things serve him of their own free will, and where there is voluntary agreement, there, as the laws which are the lords of the city say, is justice. And not only is he just but exceedingly temperate, for Temperance is the acknowledged ruler of the pleasures and desires, and no pleasure ever masters Love; he is their master and they are his servants; and if he conquers them he must be temperate indeed. As to courage, even the God of War is no match for him; he is the captive and Love is the lord, for love, the love of Aphrodite, masters him, as the tale runs; and the master is stronger than the servant. And if he conquers the bravest of all others, he must be himself the bravest.

Of his courage and justice and temperance I have spoken, but I have yet to speak of his wisdom-and according to the measure of my ability I must try to do my best. In the first place he is a poet (and here, like Eryximachus, I magnify my art), and he is also the source of poesy in others, which he could not be if he were not himself a poet. And at the touch of him every one becomes a poet, even though he had no music in him before; this also is a proof that Love is a good poet and accomplished in all the fine arts; for no one can give to another that which he has not himself, or teach that of which he has no knowledge. Who will deny that the creation of the animals is his doing? Are they not all the works his wisdom, born and begotten of him? And as to the artists, do we not know that he only of them whom love inspires has the light of fame?-he whom Love touches riot walks in darkness. The arts of medicine and archery and divination were discovered by Apollo, under the guidance of love and desire; so that he too is a disciple of Love. Also the melody of the Muses, the metallurgy of Hephaestus, the weaving of Athene, the empire of Zeus over gods and men, are all due to Love, who was the inventor of them. And so Love set in order the empire of the gods-the love of beauty, as is evident, for with deformity Love has no concern. In the days of old, as I began by saying, dreadful deeds were done among the gods, for they were ruled by Necessity; but now since the birth of Love, and from the Love of the beautiful, has sprung every good in heaven and earth. Therefore, Phaedrus, I say of Love that he is the fairest and best in himself, and the cause of what is fairest and best in all other things. And there comes into my mind a line of poetry in which he is said to be the god who

Gives peace on earth and calms the stormy deep,
Who stills the winds and bids the sufferer sleep. This is he who empties men of disaffection and fills them with affection, who makes them to meet together at banquets such as these: in sacrifices, feasts, dances, he is our lord-who sends courtesy and sends away discourtesy, who gives kindness ever and never gives unkindness; the friend of the good, the wonder of the wise, the amazement of the gods; desired by those who have no part in him, and precious to those who have the better part in him; parent of delicacy, luxury, desire, fondness, softness, grace; regardful of the good, regardless of the evil: in every word, work, wish, fear-saviour, pilot, comrade, helper; glory of gods and men, leader best and brightest: in whose footsteps let every man follow, sweetly singing in his honour and joining in that sweet strain with which love charms the souls of gods and men."

I like finding things that resonate with me. Analogise That! is about pockets of Truth being located everywhere. Just because the semantics or the context might not fit with my own specific beliefs [i.e. that Jesus (who is both God and Love) is both necessary and The Best!] doesn't mean that people aren't connecting with Truth. If it's there it's unavoidable.

Victory!

2009-04-26T23:29:00.004+01:00

I saw three foxes running away from me tonight on my walk home. Yeah, that's right, one walked right up close but I glared at it and it turned and fled.

I reckon that the answer is in discipline. We can't expect to be constantly free of all challenges, that's not what character development is about. If we want to stare down our foxes we need to choose to stand our ground. I realise that "catching" isn't the same as "killing". They aren't gone... but they can be mastered and rendered powerless.

Someone in my "online-community" wrote a very useful list that helps remind me of ways to be disciplined. I don't really know if Rich minds being a link on my blog but he is and here it is:

A very useful list

Physical actions really make a difference, well it's all connected in't it: body mind and soul (and spirit!). Doing such things is a good way to choose to be alive.

So now that I've run out of productive energy I'm off to bed... and tomorrow I think I may just go for a run...!

Me: 1, Foxes: 0

:-D

Pesky Little Foxes

2009-04-26T15:05:00.007+01:00

I don't have a big enough zoom so you're just going to have to take my word on this one:

There is a fox asleep on the roof of an extension that you can see from my living room window. I don't even think it would be visible if they hadn't taken that tree down! I saw it this morning and thought it was kinda sweet how it hides away up there until it is safe to come out at night.

WRONG. Not sweet, at all.

Today I made a new friend from Wales. (Soon I am going to tell you just how absolutely brilliant and blessed the Welsh are. Not my words but the message of a novelty apron located in an Exeter gift shop.) She came with a dear friend from Switzerland for a brief but wonderful visit, on their way back from that conference I mentioned the other day - the one with all the miracles. It was great, we got to talk about just how fabulous God is! I really appreciated the injection of enthusiasm as, though I do know it's true in a really real way, recently I have found it a bit tougher to keep that consistent throughout the day (it's like this spring weather - glorious but unreliable). In particular, I get more of a despondent cow as the day draws to a close... you may have noticed by my past few evening blogs!

So. Standard truth that we should get enough sleep to function properly physically and emotionally. Standard but IMPORTANT.

I commented to the Welsh lady about how those things (which we all have) that niggle at my peace had been niggling a bit more recently and she said something about them being like foxes. I can't remember verbatim but I reckon the general idea was something to do with how they cause mild destruction, perhaps just making a whole load of noise when you want to sleep or attacking the chickens/bins. Foxes aren't deadly lions are they, they just aren't particularly helpful either.

I didn't think all this at first, or even remember the sleeping fox I saw that morning. I actually thought, "that's strange, did I dream about foxes?" because the notion of "pesky foxes" rang a bell somewhere in the back of my mind. Then I remembered... I was reading about then in the bible not two days before!

This is the passage, you can find it in Song of Songs:

"Catch all the foxes,
those little foxes,
before they ruin the vineyard of love,
for the grapevines are blossoming!"

This is from a whole chapter about springtime that my friend had told me about because she knew I was excited by the "new beginning-ness" of spring (seasons, how can one not Analogise That!?). It's a love poem/anthology of love poems and, what with me not having a "lover", I read it like Jesus is my boyfriend. Well, I try. Sometimes I read it for the hilarity of the metaphors.

Those foxes. They're a perfect description of how actually there is all this wonderful love and good things blossoming right now (despite, nay including the fact I have to write a dissertation type project in 5 days!) yet, somehow, an imperfect shadow occasionally falls over it. They sleep harmlessly enough in the light but they still are skulking about threatening and encroaching upon peace whenever they are allowed... every evening attempting to take over and ruin the vineyard.

Does anyone else have pesky little foxes trying to rain on their parade? How are we gonna catch 'em? The passage wasn't so clear on that and I'm pretty sure the metaphor doesn't extend to actual shot guns and 4-by-4's...

Blogging when you have nothing to blog about

2009-04-24T23:23:00.004+01:00

This has got to be an analogy for something.

It's not that I haven't got any ideas. There are always ideas. I just haven't got any passion for them. I am tired and a little bit disgruntled by things not going exactly my way!

And so I blog.

But not in vain, oh no! This blog is the analogy for those things in life that are meaningless turd just filling in the gaps. I should be going to bed if nothing else but I blog... and I do it for you! So that in reading how irrelevantly dull this whole post is you will realise that you too waste precious moments of your life doing absolutely nothing.

Perhaps it's surfing the intra-web late at night (reading pointless blogs!); or checking facebook an unhealthy amount; perhaps it is thinking about dross when you should be doing your homework; or overanalysing things outside your control... it may be playing too many video games or watching too much tv (though I doubt it - is it just me or is television uncool these days? It's far too single service and dictated by someone else). This blog is a nothing blog and it represents nothingness and how bland and rubbish that is.

...

As I was finishing the last paragraph I got a phonecall from a friend who is at a Christian conference not 2 hours from my house where hundred and hundred of miraculous healings are happening on a daily basis. The kind like in bible times that is. Now, whether you believe it's possible or not, it is clearly more exciting than sitting around being apathetic and insipid. Not just more exciting, more purposeful. More alive. How much of a loser am I?!

So. What changes must I make so that I am not indulging in nothingness and what other options are out there? Granted, it may well be my maths homework... but it could be just about a million-and-one other things including but not limited to witnessing blind people see.

I'll let you know when I find something to blog about...!

Weak, Broken, Vandalised?

2009-04-23T21:18:00.014+01:00

This sunshine recently, well, there is a whole blog in that just waiting to be made ready, but in brief: it has been Good. Really wonderful symbol of really wonderful things. Lots of light, nearly summer, winter is so over it is untrue. I've been joyful.

Not so much today though. Today has been a test of joy as something that doesn't give in to external rubbish. The way I see it, real joy keeps going despite circumstances that would try and break us. Inner life that resists all the outer troubles; that defies death. If everything was always wonderful then the remarkable surviving capacity of joy would never be known. So, when my potent delight started getting a bit wobbly today, I just had to choose a joy filled life even more. Strangely enough, for the best part it worked.

Until now. This evening life has been all about the broken sunglasses and destroyed artwork. The choice to be joyful felt firmly taken. I was too tired, too worried, too comfortable in my misery to carry on choosing. Or at least to want to... and wanting to choose is kinda where it is at.

I broke my sunnies by being careless, flippant some may say. Sounds like me. I shouldn't have chucked them in my handbag along with everything else I carry around and expect the arm not to snap off. I've taken the risk enough times but I ought to have known better. Why is it we have to learn the hard way? Gutting. Loved those shades but obviously not enough to look after them.

As for destroyed art. Time ago, when I first moved to this city and I wrote a different blog, I got excited about this graffiti:

I said it was a Banksy (very famous local artist) but actually I was wrong. It is a Nick Walker (famous-if-you're-cool local artist).What I never got around to saying at the time is that this happened but a few weeks later:

Isn't that just a proper shame? I noticed it again this evening as I was walking home from my 'up-and-down, I was defeating it but not so much now' day.

Then, well, I sort of was thinking about all these weak, broken and vandalised things that say defeat and misery and destruction and stupidity and hate and lack of perfection... and I started to look on the bright side! Or not so much but, well, I'll explain...

Take the picture. I don't entirely understand it, granted, but there seems quite a good vibe. You got the heart, the romantic plotline. It looks like a picture of alternative love. Then some scally-wag comes along and corrupts it by performing actually destructive paintwork on top, denouncing all that is stands for in proclaiming freedom for "vandals". However, if you see the idea of Vandalism as being the main message then, actually, the picture itself getting vandalised can in some poetically just way be seen as an unlikely but in-keeping response to the original; merely reinforcing the ambiguity between beauty and mess. Moreover, perhaps it is even about the 2-D artist "Prince Charming" abusing Rapunzel and the picture is really about love being a vandal: a harmful, corrupting force... so whoever came along has just let the b*stard have it...?!

The chances are that it was a bored, jealous rascal trying to bring destruction and death. But you know what, even if it is that I reckon it makes no difference to what comes from it. That kid can't control the spin that we put on the muck, transforming rubbish into beauty as we see truth in it. He hasn't a clue what genuinely positive results come from something and he can't control it neither.

As for my careless, smashy smashy attitude. Well, on Saturday I couldn't find my fave ever sunglasses, not for love nor money. I only just spotted them yesterday morning as I left but I was in a hurry so I took the ones I already had in my bag: the big brown ones that were bought as a bit of a joke in Dublin oh so long ago... It was those what got broken, not the black heart-shaped ones I adore that have already been replaced for me once! (Lol. I swear only one reader will even know what I'm talking about... but she will care so I mention it for you Miss Spitfire!) My point? Perhaps I made a mistake but it could have been worse and from learning the hard way I can avoid doing so when it is really important. Perhaps it was a narrow escape. I don't really know what this means apart from about sunglasses! I think it is something to do with not beating myself up for when things go wrong and I feel, or indeed am, responsible.

All this may seem highly speculative (when does it not?!) but I reckon, perhaps, even speculation can fall into the graffiti camp. Doesn't really matter what motivation may be behind people, doesn't really matter what the result looks like on the surface or how bad the day gets, good can still come... somehow. There is a verse in the bible that talks about this, it is one of my favourites:

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=romans%208:28;&version=31;

Kinda makes me hopeful that no matter how much I mess up something, someone messes up me, or even when a situation feels so dark and dead that I can longer "muster up" joy myself, it doesn't really matter. It will still all be OK. Nothing can be so weak, broken or vandalised that it can't be turned to good, no matter how bad it may initially seem. Now there's something to be glad about!

Nothing There

2009-04-21T23:33:00.007+01:00

Today I faced up to something I should have done ages ago.

Bit of a confession: when I first moved into my current flat I set up about half my bills with a direct debit and the rest I never got round to. Paid a couple as they came and then, well, the novelty wore off and the second law of thermodynamics took over. I really am very disorganised in some ways and if it all gets too much to have to think about I just shut it out. Haven't got any reds through yet (that I'm aware of) but this whole fingers in ears, eyes shut, make-a-loud-noise type o' thing is really not very grown-up...

So, prompted in love by my mother, I got in touch with my telephone and internet provider. I have paperless bills but part of the problem is I don't really understand all that stuff, so I just phoned 'em. I pressed the number prompts according to what service I needed, told them my "personal private details" so they could see my account, and then asked them what it actually said. They were a bit confused so I explained that I wasn't very good at keeping on top of such things, or working out internet based access, and didn't really know what was going on or how to sort the whole mess out.

It turns out I've been paying them all along and didn't realise it! Best part is that unless I run out of money, or move, I don't ever have to worry about it again! Apparently they just do it all for me now... I am not as disorganised as I thought :-D

However, perhaps I am more so if I totally forgot! I've spent God-knows-how-long assuming I was inadequate and the avoidance factor in all this meant I didn't find out for ages that I'm not. In finally facing it, despite the fear, I realised that all I had to face was the fear. There was nothing else there to worry about at all! My ignored failing was actually not a failing, yet I then went on to create one anyway. How silly is that?

Goodness. We avoid facing small (or even non-existent) things and generate terrible ones in their place. Talk about a hindrance to Living in Fullness. I really do need to get in touch with Mr Gas Man and Ms Electric next though... I definitely owe them money. Best do it before they summon me to court too - this leniency won't last forever!

Analogies analogies everywhere...

2009-04-20T22:35:00.011+01:00

I think I'm going slightly insane!

I'm busy writing a paper that analogises evolution and the development of society, creating a game theoretic model that proves once and for all that being a Christian is better. I haven't actually got the sums done but I firmly believe this will work... Not proving Jesus mind, just showing that if He were to exist then it would truly optimise life for all. It is the most exciting thing I have ever done in maths (and that's saying something!) but is also due *quite* soon and isn't as yet on any sort of page. Ergo, I don't have the time right now to blog what God said to me about when death is bad (see my last post). It is a poignant response that spans at least 5 (and counting...) of the most diverse metaphors I have ever been blessed with. So watch this space... it even involve vegetables!

Instead you can have this brief one:

The Icecream of Friendship

How can I not when she became my first follower today :-)

I met up with Becca this afternoon to rewitness one of the aforementioned metaphors (not the vegetable, though it did come up). We rendezvous'd by the icecream van because when I heard she was there I packed up my books and practically ran down the road...! Wow was today sunny (oh it was glorious! But I will not be sidetracked...), I simply had to celebrate that with my first whippy of the season!!

She had been trying to resist when I turn up and broke her discipline in an instant. It was ok though 'cause we had both had derivatives of carrot for lunch, so it was not a wrong thing to do. When we ordered (both having a small vanilla whip with strawberry sauce, chopped nuts and a flake (of course)), she was the one that then kept my greedy enthusiasm from getting a larger size.

It was beautiful. Encouraging each other away from unhealthy extremes to enjoy life as fully as possible, with all the wonderful add-ons that only friendship can bring - taking you from bland single cone to flavour explosion!

And so I showed her the incredible open-air photography exhibition that had moved me so much, she introduced the brilliant initiative of playing an accompanying soundtrack, and these pink sauce and nuts were topped off with the big chunk of flaky chocolate love that we can only get from sharing life with those people that we are most blessed by. You know... the crumbliest ones... where the chocolate tastes like it never tasted before...!

DEATH

2009-04-16T23:46:00.013+01:00

Today spoke to me of death. Many many times.

I've been thinking about this idea: life being made alive and death being put to dead. It makes sense to me - the full completion of each. It is strange that life would lead to death, is it not? Life is so, well, full of vitality. That's why I reckon resurrection is logical - where's the paradox in alive life? We don't start at death so why end on it...

When I talk of death I do so loosely.I mean those things that bring an end to life, growth, hope, joy, wholeness, love. If it's destroying the destruction of good things death doesn't really sound so bad; only when we apply it to life do we worry... because it goes against our most basic survival instincts.

I saw hope in alive life as death was put to death a couple of times today:

Outside my window there was a tree. This morning it looked something like this:

(Note the rainbow!)

Then, as I was getting ready to go to an exam (that marks the midpoint of my degree), it was suddenly being ravaged. I witnessed in awe as they climbed and chainsawed and pulled down this gigantic beast until it looked like this:

Then, when I came home a few hours later, all that was left was:

The stump comes out next week... (!)

And so the springyness of the blossom tree behind testifies to new life in the wake of the destroyed dominating giant. There will be so much more light, sunshine all summer long and a lawn to enjoy. Unkempt the tree was going to continue to expand - taking over everything. Oppressing, darkening and eventually destroying the foundations of homes as it cast a shadow over our lives. It is finished. Victory to the garden!

When I went down to have a closer inspection of the operation I also noticed this absolutely beautiful thing:

How fragile. How symbolic - perhaps it is another reminder of all the potential that spring holds...?!

I went to take the exam with a whole load of God given peace which was nice. He was putting to death all these constricting things and I knew that freedom in my heart :-) Anything was possible.

I almost completely failed. I actually may have.

Yet even now ('cause I think it may be permanent) I have accepted it with (and I do believe this is actual) Joy! Once upon a time I wanted to assert everything I was by this qualification and now I Know categorically that I cannot get a brilliant grade. I may not even get a good grade... but it is really and truly OK and, well, it sure takes the pressure off the next month! On my way home, as I mused upon these things, I saw this on the pavement and had to take a picture on my phone (despite looking quite mental):

How sad. How poignant. How definitely an analogy! I asked God what He was saying and I think that perhaps this is it: Associating everything that comes in spring (nay in life) as a good thing because it is beautiful is not always wise. Bees are dangerous (hence the colouring) and very very vulnerable. They only sting you once and then die. You can't depend on a bee.

You can't depend on a degree either. They can be good but they are not secure. I think God put to death once and for all in me (in the sense that it is irreversible) the disproportional hope that I put on my name being written on a certificate vs my name being written in His book of life. In this I grieved the 1st (top mark given at British universities) and then found comfort in the truth that God is my first love and absolutely anyone can qualify for His letters after their name.

But death does still often follow from life. And this makes me angry. Angry in a way that stems from the illogic. The injustice. The fact that I think there should be no more death and my belief that there really can be.

My dog is dead.

This makes me very very sad. I do not use Wendy's name in vain when I analogise her passing.

I can't believe that precious bundle of love, life, joy, affection, energy, beauty, family, friend, comforter, companion, running buddy... it makes me cry just to write this.

Yet, and this is why I am so so gutted, she is the one that would seem (in real life as opposed to analogy land) to deserve it the most. For she was put down today for attacking my mum.

And she has always been a bit of an interesting character. It was probably a risk to keep her as long as we did (it would be 4 years this summer) as her temper would make her grumble and her irritable nature was not always predictable. If people admired her in street (and they would. Not only was she a darling but her stunted growth meant she looked like a perpetual puppy) we would warn them not to touch. We had a system at home - when in the bed do not touch! She would greet me every morning with so much love it was untrue but even I would get growled at for standing near her basket at night. She was a bit of an unstable bitch and I know that, in the end, she had to go.

But the thing that makes me so cross is this:

What was put to death today was not death but life. Life destroyed by a weakness that, in this instance, was a character flaw. But one that masked her true nature, not defined it. Stemmed from too much breeding and not enough discipline. It was like she had no choice.

Yet she had a choice. We all do. I don't mean choose Jesus (I do also mean choose Jesus!) I mean it for every situation every day. We don't have to decide to react in a way that brings death - with hate, negativity, apathy, misery, stagnation, brokenness, fear... When we choose death, death will have it's way in us and there will be no fullness of life. In the bigger picture I would talk about eternal life conquering separation from God (the giver of life). In the right here, right now, I talk about becoming Wendy. Letting the things that come easy to us be the things that become us.

If we exist in death we are dead already, dead whilst breathing, for where is life in allowing the dross to survive? What is good? My analogies don't say. I suppose we must decide that for ourselves (hint: bible!). The question is, are you living what you call life? And if not then are you on the way to execution?

The thing that makes me so frustrated is that sometime I wonder if people actually can choose life - 'cause if so then Why Don't They? In God I believe all things are possible, I really do. I just don't know that I believe in people. Or dogs. Can a leopard really change its spots?

When I lose all hope I remember that the Bible says it can. Actually, the Bible says it can't but that is in the Old Testament and the New one totally amends that by sending Jesus! Is Jesus a necessary condition to achieve that whole life? I think so but feel free to prove me wrong. Is Jesus sufficient...?

If we do claim full life in Christ, which He did promise us, then yes He is. But choosing Jesus isn't choosing a name, it is choosing a whole way of life. You know where to look - biblegateway has a ton of versions and they print them on paper too don'tcha know. It's not easy, I'm not saying it is. I'm saying we need to decide to be prepared to really change and then show this decision in our actions. Just adopting a title isn't enough.

So, Christian or not, an act of WILL must take place to LIVE. There is a very brilliant side to this whole "death begins now" thing which is that if we choose life today then "life begins now"! That wholeness of life we want, free from the crap. (For Jesus-people that means "eternal life begins now" which is just mental. It's why He said the Kingdom of Heaven is right here, right now and the reason healing and miracles are still viable options!! Scary stuff but that's what life is about to us.)

I don't see enough of this proper life (or the Kingdom) anywhere (myself included) and it is getting me fed up. Please please prove me wrong and choose to live the life that you were intended to. Leopards CAN change their spots, they just can.

Don't let Wendy die in vain.

Birthday Pie

2009-04-14T19:18:00.007+01:00

My mother is ace.

Last night I celebrated my birthday meal with the family and I didn't get a cake.... For why have cake when you can have homemade BANOFFEE PIE?!?! Candles and everything.

There was also an alternative of apple crumble pie for those that didn't feel bananary. [As a side note: the whole meal was totally pie based with fish pie to start. Interestingly they each had a different main structural component - potato, then biscuit, then pastry/crumbliness. I haven't worked out an analogy for this yet but maybe you've got one...?]

Banana was a clear win. Twice. Why have apple when you can have banoffee?

This whole pie scenario quite clearly pointed me to a back-street wall that I once stumbled upon whilst lost in Vienna a while ago. I really needed to hear/see its message just then (funny how things like that happen). This one shouldn't take too much interpretation:

Time passes, people age. It seems I am more than satisfied with bananas now! Are you?

P.S.
This is not to say I don't like cake mind. Becca: banana and wall-nut (get it?!) would certainly go down well, though feel free to see where your intuition leads you... Perhaps there are yet more insights to be gleaned from baked goods before the week is out!

"Let's start at the very beginning..."

2009-04-12T16:03:00.008+01:00

The birth of a blog.

We begin on Easter day because this blog is the result of a lenten fast. I will tweak my layout, add some more details and who knows what else in due course... but today is about getting started and the title tells enough for now.

So for a first post we do, of course, have an Easter theme. I was thinking a few weeks ago about how many people call themselves Christians (I'm one of them by the way) and how this can mean a whole host of different things. For me the belief in and attempted following of Jesus Christ is a necessary element but this isn't true for everyone it seems. The next day I came across the music for a song that did quite a good job of expressing how I feel about the Christian life so I'll let the lyrics tell you what Christianity means to me:

Beneath the cross of Jesus
I find a place to stand,
And wonder at such mercy
That calls me as I am;
For hands that should discard me
Hold wounds which tell me, "Come."
Beneath the cross of Jesus
My unworthy soul is won.

Beneath the cross of Jesus
His family is my own—
Once strangers chasing selfish dreams,
Now one through grace alone.
How could I now dishonour
The ones that You have loved?
Beneath the cross of Jesus
See the children called by God.

Beneath the cross of Jesus—
The path before the crown—
We follow in His footsteps
Where promised hope is found.
How great the joy before us
To be His perfect bride;
Beneath the cross of Jesus
We will gladly live our lives.

It's by Keith and Kristyn Getty and you can listen to it here: http://www.gettydirect.com if you like.

So. Yeah. I've wanted to share that for a while and now I have a blog again I can!

Living gladly beneath the cross of Jesus. This is my analogy for Christianity and so for my life. Hence I post it first - because it comes first. The cross itself is a symbol for oh so many things, perhaps the most basic and powerful being death. There are many more but they are not for today.

For today, Easter, is about what comes next. After the cross. After death. The day of resurrection and rebirth. The day that means new life. And what better analogy for this blog is there?! A new blog that comes from the death of an old blog; which is in itself a metaphor for the beginning of a new chapter in life that follows from the end of the last; which has only been possible through the death of Jesus and His life changing resurrection power!

It seems to me that having the cross at the beginning - of this blog, this life, everything - is "a very good place to start".